By Melanie Woods, March 10 2016 —
Last week, the University of Calgary Students’ Union announced the establishment of a $500,000 ‘MacHall defence fund’ to pay for legal fees in their ongoing MacHall ownership dispute with university administration.
SU president Levi Nilson clarified on Wednesday that the fund will actually go towards physically fortifying and defending the student centre.
“This is literally a defence fund,” Nilson said. “And we are determined to defend MacHall against every possible threat, both physical and ideological.”
Nilson said the upgrades will include a variety of features.
“Guns,” Nilson said. “Bomb shelters. A wall of bulletproof steel. Heat-seeking missiles. Night-vision scopes. Underground tunnels. All of it. In addition to being an important campus landmark, MacHall will be an impenetrable fortress of power and strength.”
The SU plans on installing five-foot thick bulletproof glass on all doors, as well as a bomb shelter where the nickle copiers used to be.
“We’re really excited about the pack of trained hounds we’re bringing in,” Nilson said. “These puppies can smell an intruder from a mile away. And during times of peace we can offer more stress-less puppy rooms to students!”
An anti-aircraft missile turret will be installed on the Last Defence Lounge patio.
“The anti-aircraft turret will literally be our last defence,” Nilson said. “The Graduate Students’ Association protested the idea a little bit, but let’s be real — they don’t have any influence on anything. They actually ended up contributing, like, 50 bucks to the fund.”
Nilson said the upgrades to the building will only be used for defensive purposes.
“We don’t want a war,” Nilson said. “In fact, mediation has been going quite smoothly. But we want to be prepared. This is another contribution to 60 years of SU investment in your student centre. We’re committed to MacHall’s future, especially in the event of a nuclear attack.”
University administration has publicly stated that they have no plans of actually attacking the building.
“Our university-branded armed battalions, drones and tanks are currently in maintenance in preparation for the upcoming 50th anniversary celebrations,” provost Dru Marshall said.
This article is part of our humour section.