Search for: Frankie Hart

Zipper-worshiping cult discovered on campus

By Frankie Hart, September 26 2017 — Last Friday, a student who has been missing for several semesters was discovered bloodied and bruised under the Prairie Chicken. The student has requested their personal details be omitted and that they be referred to only as “Disciple Zippy.” Zippy claims to have escaped from a group called…

What trashy Buzzfeed quiz should you take next?

By Frankie Hart, September 19 2017 — It’s 3 a.m. and your alarm will ring in a few hours. You haven’t even started the paper that’s due at 9. Unfortunately, you’ve stumbled into an endless hole of Buzzfeed quizzes. You NEED to find out what Disney princess drawn as a fruit represents your soul. Little…

What kind of first-year student are you?

By Frankie Hart, September 14 2017 — This year’s Orientation Week welcomed thousands of first-year students to campus. The event is a University of Calgary tradition that prepares new students for campus life. Based on your decisions throughout O-Week, how have you started off your first year at the U of C?  

Thesaurus unlocks unrestrained potential for English major

By Frankie Hart, March 28 2017 — Long-retired are the days of mediocre essay grades for first-year English student Arthur Doyle. After discovering the absolute capacity of an elementary, commonplace, prosaic thesaurus, Doyle announced that he has found the nexus of academic prosperity. “I’d invariably known it was a resource feasible to us, but at…

Spice up your sex life with these hot tips

  By Frankie Hart, January 31 2017 — Sometimes having sex exclusively missionary style, under the covers, lights off between 8:00 – 10:00 p.m. on a Friday night just doesn’t have the same kick it used to. To add some excitement to your vanilla sex life, try some of these hot tips. Spice it up: Add some…

Gauntlet volunteer has already hit rock bottom after writing only three articles

By Frankie Hart, October 25 2016 — Student and Gauntlet volunteer Hankie Fart has decided that she will yet again put off her history paper by writing another article for the Gauntlet.  “I heard that extracurriculars are equally — if not more important than academics, so this is fine. Everything is fine. I am fine,”…

Will the planets align for you to pass your midterms?

By Frankie Hart, October 28 2016 —   Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) We don’t know what you did to piss off the planets this time, dear Libra, but they’re ready to wreck your shit. Triple-check your alarm the night before your test just in case — Mars can be an asshole. Scorpio  (Oct….

Six new noodle recipes

By Frankie Hart, October 11 2016 —    It’s almost halfway through the semester. If you live in residence you’ve probably spent almost all your food-plan money  again. It’s time to turn to the notorious life-saving student-budget classic of instant noodles. Deceive yourself into believing that you’re eating a five-star meal with one of these…

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