Photo by Mariah Wilson

A first-year student guide to being hopelessly lost on campus

By Derek Baker, September 4 2018 —

The University of Calgary campus is a big place, with new buildings sprouting up seemingly every day. Navigating from class to class is daunting, faced with a sprawling network of under- and overground hallways connected like an endless maze of hamster tunnels. As with most first years, you’ll likely find yourself lost at least once. But no need to fret — follow these tips when you’re lost and you’ll be back on track in a flash.

Ask your fellow peers for

directions:

Knowing when to swallow your pride and ask for help is an important skill to learn. One of the fastest solutions to finding your way to your next class is to ask an upper-year student to point you in the right direction. They definitely, completely, honestly, 100 per cent will not lie and send you on a wild goose chase. Yes, the ‘ST’ in ST 140 actually stands for Spyhill Theatres, which is just on the outskirts of the city. Now, run along.

Set off a flare:

Before venturing to school on your first day of class, it is essential that you pack a flare in your backpack for such emergencies. When you inevitably find yourself lost, you’ll be prepared. Aim for something that looks breakable and/or flammable and light that baby up. Campus Security will come find you and happily escort you off the premises, where you can then go home and try it all again tomorrow.

IN👏NO👏VATE👏:

Another way to summon someone to come rescue you if you’re lost is as follows: If you find yourself in an unfamiliar place, all you need to do is yell, “HELP! I WANT TO INNOVATE BUT I CAN’T DO IT HERE!” and a hooded figure from the Hunter Hub will whisk you away to their room. Upon exiting the empty room, you’ll find that you are back in the central location of MacHall and you’ll also be glad to know that all it takes to be an entrepreneur™ is floor-to-ceiling dry-erase walls. Neat.

Make friends with the wildlife:

Happen to find yourself lost outside? Don’t worry — this is the perfect opportunity to meet some new friends. The local fauna actually make great conversation. You’ll may even find the exchange more intellectually stimulating than whatever uninspiring ramblings come from your fellow first-years. Ignore the disconcerted stares from passersby. They are just jealous of the tight bond between you and your new BFF, Sammy the Squirrel.

Accept your fate:

If following the above tips have not helped and you are somehow still lost, it’s time to make peace with the fact that you are never leaving campus. Ever. I recommend finding the nearest vending machine and something to make a shelter out of. Your textbooks can make a sturdy lean-to. You’re gonna die here. Which, when you think about it, really isn’t much different than the majority of students’ souls after four years here.

This article is part of our humour section.

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