By Melanie Bethune, January 22 2015 —
Early plans show that MacHall will be demolished and replaced with a very large hole that leads to nowhere. The very large hole’s bottom is unknown, and its edges are sloped in a way that escape is impossible. Students who fall into the very large hole will be forced to figure things the fuck out for themselves or succumb to the bottomless darkness.
Smoke’s Poutinerie will introduce even more flavours:
After failing to attract more customers with an extensive advertising campaign, Smoke’s will introduce new flavours in the coming year in hopes of raising profits. New poutines will be topped with everything from Twinkies to students’ hopes and dreams to midterm tears to an entire pig, dubbed “the full porker.” Customers get to name, bond with and love the pig before it is brutally slaughtered in front of them with its remains scattered atop a few limp fries and a sea of salty gravy and handed to them in a flimsy carton that will fall apart within 30 seconds.
New Students’ Union election policy:
The SU will change their policy for the 2015 elections to allow inanimate objects to be elected.
“Last year we had a really strong candidate in the form of the creaky chair in the left-hand third row of ST 140,” chief returning officer Chris Tran said. “And unfortunately due to policy, it was unable to run. The student body really lost out on some quality leadership there.”
Critics of the new policy argue that nepotism could come into play should university president Elizabeth Cannon’s notorious $8-million staircase decide to run.
“These policies were a certain way for a reason,” potential vice-president academic candidate Steve Harman said. “I feel like staircases and chairs have favouritism over candidates such as myself.”
Eyes High continues:
With only a year left until the U of C’s 50th anniversary, administration will kick the Eyes High strategy into full gear. In addition to research strategies and financial endorsements, administration announced that all buildings under construction on campus will have only a few incredibly small windows in the top corners of their rooms. “You want to see the light of day after hours of institutionalized madness?” Cannon said. “Then you must lift up thine eyes.”
Secondary suite debate continues:
City council will hold no fewer than 86 consultations and sessions concerning the legalization of secondary suites and still reach no conclusion. In fact, city councillors will decide to host an all-out rager in city hall, during which councillors will somehow manage to be even drunker than they’ve been at recent events. Photos will later surface of mayor Naheed Nenshi riding a mechanical bull alongside all of those lost cats his Twitter has rescued wearing party hats.
Residence services builds new buildings:
In addition to the Aurora and Crowsnest halls under construction, another new building will begin zoning in 2015. The new residence will cater specifically to male students and have premium floors specifically designated for soft boys, fancy boys, mad boys, fuck boys and sad boys. Proposed names for the building include Brosidence and Dude-uska Hall, as any other name would threaten the fragile state of masculinity.
AirUC to ban streaming Netflix:
Due to a surge of students wasting time during school binge-watching David Attenborough documentaries, university IT will reconfigure the Wi-Fi network to ban the popular website. Instead, students who try to visit the URL will be redirected to an informative Bob Ross-style video featuring upper level university administration painting happy clouds and landscapes.