By Jill Girgulis, December 1 2015 —
It’s that time of year again — the snow is falling, your relatives are calling and, most importantly, Christmas carols are playing on every radio station. To combat the incessant holiday spirit, I rounded up the most festive songs and applied my finest critiques. Also, can you move your Christmas tree away from your front window? Those bright lights and colourful ornaments are an eyesore for the 30 milliseconds I have to drive by your house every morning.
“Jingle Bells”: Can anyone explain to me why only one miserable horse is featured in this holiday carol? What makes him think he’s so special that he gets a private sleigh? How did this hotshot horse manage to land this sweet gig? And what happened to the nine reindeer? This is discrimination.
“Oh Christmas Tree”: This song is only acceptable when sung in the original German. On that note, feel free to sing any Christmas carol around me — so long as its lyrics are written and performed in a foreign language. Pig latin is referred-pay.
“Silent Night”: The numerous references to a “holy infant” and a “holy night” make me wonder whether the lyricist was trying to decide whether the word “holy” is spelled with or without the letter “e”. I’m going to let this one slide, but only because it evokes fond memories of Wing Wednesday — anyone up for a plate of tender and mild wings?
“Frosty the Snowman”: I find it disturbing to sing about a fledgling relationship between children and an adult collection of densely packed water molecules. Also, how did those kids manage to get their hands on a real, genuine corncob pipe? I doubt any of them were eighteen or older. If they were, then that’s a whole different level of concern.
“Deck the Halls”: This song promotes violence and destruction of property, and that’s enough to put it on my naughty list.
“All I Want for Christmas Is You”: Nice try. All I want for Christmas is a double-whip candy cane frappuccino — I’m a devoted follower of the church of Starbucks®.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: This song teaches children that the mere presence of a sprig of vegetation permits them to abandon all their morals and kiss whoever happens to break into the house that night. Also, it promotes the idea of hiding extra-marital affairs from parents. I pity the emotionally traumatized child who first witnessed this family debacle.
“Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer”: What disgusts me most about Rudolph is that no one seems to care that this majorly immunosuppressed caribou is contaminating his fellow sleighmates with an obvious case of seasonal influenza. Red nose? More like congested sinuses. Seriously, be more considerate — caribou are a threatened species, asshole.
“Up on the Housetop”: Santa Claus’ lack of conscientiousness for the innocent family that lives in the titular house is appalling. How does he know the roof onto which he illegally parked his sleigh is structurally sound enough to support the extra weight? Nine reindeer, a sleigh filled with presents for more than 2.1 billion people and a man who binges on cookies and milk — that’s gotta be heavy.