By Frankie Hart, February 7 2018 —
The world of sexting is difficult to traverse, from the whimsical heights of the wordplay mountains to the terrifying depths of the dick-pic caves. This mysterious land is expanded even further thanks to the greatest gift to phone-kind — emojis. If you already thought sexting was hard, try to find a way to insert these perfect emojis to introduce all sorts of new entendres to your sexting game. Though these emoticons may seem experimental, they’ll instantly transform your partner into a wild, rapturous horndog.
Use the new moon emoji to convey that, as in Mulan, you are as mysterious as the dark side of the moon. This should pique their interest and spark further conversation, allowing you to introduce the more risqué emojis on this list.
The banana emoji’s ability to perfectly represent a phallus was — for lack of a better term — shafted in favour of the eggplant. What’s so great about eggplants, anyway? They’re expensive and are a staple in overrated bourgeois recipes. It’s time for the reckoning of the banana emoji — the emoji of choice for proletariat. Vive la révolution!
This emoji is a reminder of who the ultimate daddy is. If the direction of sexting is going a bit too far, use this angel emoji to remind your partner that God is watching. And he’s very, very disappointed.
Sexting shouldn’t be outlawed by more traditional types, especially as it can still fit within the abstinent lifestyle. Let your partner know that you respect their values and will commit before trying anything. After all, in the words of the great Beyoncé, when you like it, you shall put a ring on it.
As once-taboo kinks become more mainstream, what was previously regarded as freaky is now considered vanilla. Handcuffs? Child’s play. Blindfolds? What is this, a piñata party? Show your partner that you’re innovative and into all 50 Shades of Grey. If you have to ask what the gear is for, you don’t deserve to be able to use it.
Why stop at one emoji when you can use them in a storytelling capacity? This emoji combo is for when you want to be funky while paying respect to an all-time classic — Missy Elliott’s “Work It.” Let your partner know that you are ready to put your thing down, flip it, as well as reverse it.
A step away from the now-cliché tongue emoji, this symbol lets your partner know you know what’s up with the cool kinksters — vore. It’s a subtle but open invitation for the next freak level in the bedroom and to experience something new, delicious and nutritious. Mmm, just like mama used to make.
This article is part of our humour section.