By Anton Charpentier, August 29 2019 —
In a series of late-night tweets last Thursday, my friend and foreign exchange student Eli Lugisntbad vowed to the world that he would quit Juuling and instead take up smoking cigarettes. You read that right folks, smoking cigarettes with a lower-case c. It’s a bold choice for my Gen Z friend who, up until now, only ingested safe and natural mango Juul pods. These delicious Juul pods, made from the finest vapour juices, were the forefront of healing technology. By heating up the magic juices, scientifically-engineered vapour would emerge from the eighth dimension and fill the Juuler’s body with positive spirit energy. This is a far cry away from the ancient method of rolled cigarettes — a method my friend Eli has put his faith into. So, let’s get into some facts about smoking.
Scientifically speaking, lung cancer kills about one hundred out of one hundred-point five people a year — one hundred per cent of the time. Meanwhile, all Juul deaths are due to sick dabbing accidents while kitesurfing in Costa Rica. Truly shocking. Clearly Eli is surely going to miss our couple’s trips to Costa Rica. This indisputable fact doesn’t even cover the awful smell cigarettes — emit a smell that reminds one of death, pain, suffering, the plague and their parent’s brutal and complex divorce. Vaping smells like the unicorn candy cane aromas that are found in nature and in the dumpster of a 7-11. This candy smell is so pungent, sometimes you can smell it with your eyes. Plus, all of your friends who don’t vape can enjoy smelling that sweetness leaking out of your gums.
The most appalling issue, however, is the fact that Eli will miss the upcoming Frozen 2: Lingonberry Blast vape and movie crossover. It will be the undeniable vape event of the century and not aimed at underage children whatsoever, according to the website frozen2lingonberryboogaloo.vape. This Frozen-flavoured vape, which would celebrate Eli’s Norwegian ancestry, would finally merge our favourite pastimes: vaping and Norwegian-style best friend foot rubs. Now he’s giving that all up to start smoking and move back to Norway. Anyway, I think it’s just as important to mention that vaping is so much cooler than smoking. Whenever you walk around blowing vape into people’s unsuspecting faces, there’s the undeniable fact that you know they’re really jealous of the thick cotton you’re puffin’, making you the coolest kid on the block with your Frozen-flavoured vape. This feeling can only be achieved by vaping and the use of hardcore drugs. Wow! It seems like Eli is really going to regret leaving me.
Finally, there’s the fact that there’s no companion app for cigarettes. Without that nicotine data, how will you make sure your nic levels don’t go off the charts? Instead, Eli will likely die because he will smoke too many cigarettes, which we have established as something that will kill you within weeks, if not immediately. Don’t get me wrong folks, I want to die, but only of natural Juul-related causes in the waters of Costa Rica cradled in the arms of my best friend Eli. Now we will die separately, he from lung cancer and I from staring at the vape data on my phone while crossing the street. It’s a real shame that we parted ways, Eli. You used to be so cool when you’d suck on that vape stick and let those vape juices roll down your throat, then, with almost intentional effort, exhale onto some engineering student’s face as they walked to MacHall for lunch. Have you forgotten what we had Eli? Have you forgotten?
This article is part of our humour section.