Cannon on student debt: ‘Stop being poor’

By Tommy Osborne, January 19 2018 — 

After facing several complaints that the University of Calgary’s tuition and fees are too high, U of C president Elizabeth Cannon released a statement advising students to stop being poor. The statement came after many students realized that financing tuition, textbooks and residence will literally drown them in debt after graduation.

“If students are struggling with finances, I believe they should consider the possibility of not being poor as an adequate solution,” Cannon said. “Being poor is usually the reason students struggle to cover university costs. Maybe students should give being rich a try for a change.”

In order to research innovative, interdisciplinary methods to stop being poor, the U of C is funding an entrepreneurial research program to reveal the culprit of students’ money troubles.

“Our research shows the primary reason that students are poor is because they lack monetary funds,” lead researcher Haxton Hobbes said. “In order to further explore this issue, we’ll require more funding. However, early speculation has revealed that the main culprit may be not making six-figures straight out of high school.”

Second-year Canadian snowshoe culture major Stephen Muire said he agreed with Cannon’s revolutionary fiscal policies.

“After hearing her advice, I tried to stop being poor — and it worked! I am no longer poor and can now pay for my $300 math textbook that I will never use,” Muire said. “Working 60 hours a week really allowed me to stop being poor while thriving in all five of my courses.

“I recommend that fellow students who are still poor simply try harder. Also, please support my Patreon at Stephan_firebeats for more tips,” Muire added.

In an effort to help students struggling with finances, Cannon revealed that the school will soon accept several alternative methods of payment.

“In an effort to accommodate students that for some reason can’t stop being poor, the University of Calgary will accept other forms of payment,” Cannon said. “For example, the blood of your firstborn now covers a third of a semester’s tuition.”

 

This article is part of our Humour section.

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