Humour

Our horoscopes predict your Stampede experience

By Frankie Hart, July 6 2018 — Cancer  (June 21 – July 22) You will get a little too caught up in the Stampede spirit and get knocked out after moshing to the Stampede Showband. Leo  (July 23 – Aug. 22) Vowing revenge after getting kicked out of Stampede, you decide to host your own outdoor show. Your colossal…

Our horoscopes predict what your summer has in store

By Derek Baker, April 26 2018 — Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will be that idiot who doesn’t clean up their campsite, attracting a crowd of bears with the food you left around. They will eat all of your graham crackers, your tent and even your car. Better learn to be more bear…

Student taking spring and summer classes honestly has no FOMO

By Frankie Hart, April 25 2018 — The start of spring at the University of Calgary campus brings sighs of relief for most. Students are finally liberated from academic responsibilities after exams and are free to relax, go on vacation or work and at least get direct compensation for their labour. However, for some students, the break…

Six bullshit jobs to apply for this summer

By Jill Girgulis, April 25 2018 — Still looking for the perfect summer job but have no experience? We’ve compiled a list of super legit-sounding positions to bolster your resumé for the future. Trust us — these positions are definitely real. Really real. Apply today! Interactive Functionality Representative: Applicants must display verifiable evidence of their ability…

Intellectual magpie in TFDL just wanted to study in peace

By Derek Baker, April 24 2018 — Feathers were ruffled this exam season in the Taylor Family Digital Library, where students’ studying sessions were interrupted by an allegedly trapped magpie on the first two floors of the building. Efforts to catch and release the bird led to the school closing the library for a night…

What mishap will befall you on Bermuda Shorts Day?

By Frankie Hart, April 12 2017 — Aries (March 21 – April 19) A peer will throw up on your shirt. If the resulting shape resembles a heart, it’s a good sign for your love life. If it’s a dollar sign, financial success is on the way. If it’s a skull, throw that shirt out…

Very accurate astrological predictions for your final assignment

By Derek Baker, April 3 2018 — Aries (March 21 – April 19) After scrambling to finish an assignment late into the night before it’s due, you’ll forget it on the printer tray while packing up the next morning, causing you to still get a late penalty anyway.   Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your professor…

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