Humour

Your future involves you taking a winter vacation

By Derek Baker, December 4 2017 —   Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) While on an Alaskan cruise, you’ll break into the ship’s cockpit and play “My Heart Will Go On” over the intercom. The crew won’t find this funny, promptly throwing you off the back of the boat. No penny whistle solo will…

Stör to start selling caffeine IV drips

By Derek Baker, November 30 2017 — As the end of the semester nears, so too do paper deadlines and final exams. Whether it be from pulling all-nighters or stress, the increased workload causes many students to lose sleep and drowsily stumble to their morning classes. However, Stör has come up with a solution. Starting next week,…

Quiz // Are you related to Ted Cruz: Zodiac Killer?

By Jesse Stilwell, November 29 2017 — Everyone remembers 2016 Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. How could you not? The Calgary native is an international man of mystery. It’s recently come to light that one of the Gauntlet editors may be distantly related to the man also known as the zodiac killer. Are you connected…

Councillor Colley-Urquhart elected mayor of Antarctic penguin colony

By Derek Baker, November 28 2017 — Calgary city councillor Diane Colley-Urquhart has come under fire after a string of recent council meeting absences. The Ward 13 councillor recently returned from an attempted Antarctic cruise to the surprise of councillors and the mayor on Monday morning. However, the true nature of the trip has now…

What does your astrological animal say about your week?

By Derek Baker, November 27 2017 — Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You have been blessed with a horse-like feature. Unfortunately, it’s your face.   Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) What animal even is your sign? Some sort of whale-antelope hybrid? Cool. Your sign signifies how angsty and misunderstood you will feel this week….

Opinions on festive drink destroy life-long friendship

By Evan Lewis, November 23 2017 — With eggnog popping up on store shelves, it’s no surprise that a rise in eggnog-related incidents is already sweeping the nation. In a shocking public outburst, lifelong friends Natalie Winger and Lydia Bukhari announced the immediate termination of their friendship over a disagreement on the quality of the controversial…

Premature Christmas celebrations cause kerfuffle

By Devin Aggarwal, November 23 2017 — The annual war on Christmas reached new levels of severity this week, as members of the Union against early Christmas Plans (UCP) retaliated against the Nativity Decorators Protectorate (NDP) for their continued promotion of the practice of putting up Christmas decorations before Dec. 1. The retaliation took the…

Three completely logical tips for driving on snowy roads

By Fatima Pirmohamed, November 23 2017 — It’s that time of year again. The temperature has dropped to the negatives and snow keeps falling. Though it’s a friendly reminder that winter break is just around the corner, it’s also responsible for the volume of car accidents increasing tenfold. If you’ve lived through a Calgary winter, you’ve…

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