Humour

Ultra-low-cost airline “Eastjet Dive” to offer transatlantic flights on crop-dusters

By Devin Aggarwal, October 4 2017 — No-frills airline Eastjet announced the launch of its ultra-low-cost service “Eastjet Dive” today, promising customers low-cost tickets for international flights. Dive hopes to lower ticket prices by 75 per cent without sacrificing the company’s renowned customer service. “Our new fleet will include legacy aircraft, certified through the test of…

Hydroponic grow-op discovered in plant biology department

By Derek Baker, October 3 2017 — Some student researchers in the University of Calgary’s plant biology program have been pursuing a slightly different form of higher education. After receiving an anonymous tip — and observing smokey haze emanating from the basement of Biological Sciences — Campus Security has shut down an extensive on-campus hydroponic cannabis…

Your last few months of 2017 will have a plot twist

By Joie Atejira, October 3 2017 —   Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Though you’re not a fan of horror movies or clowns, an impromptu viewing of the new It film will stir a clown fetish deep inside of you. The red nose and big shoes really get you going.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23…

How to stand out in your jean jacket this semester

By Rachel Woodward, October 3 2017 — As the weather cools off, an old trend is returning to campus. Students everywhere are digging out their parents’ old Eddie Bauer jean jackets to cover in patches, pins and other hip trinkets. Here are a few ways to keep your jacket unique within the extremely mainstream trend….

BREAKING NEWS: It’s so friggen cold outside

By Derek Baker, October 2 2017 — Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Why do we live in this hellscape??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!! The air hurts my face. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa This article is part of our humour section.

Student falls asleep on CTrain, wakes up in new dimension

By Evan Lewis, September 27 2017 — Commuting to the University of Calgary can be a long and tedious experience, particularly for those travelling from the city’s outer suburbs. Even minor technical difficulties can extend the journey significantly. However, first-year student Sayid Sarraf’s commute was extended indefinitely when his train slipped through the seams of…

U of C to bulldoze MacHall to make way for new Flames arena

By Devin Aggarwal, September 27 2017 — After months of failed negotiations with the City of Calgary, the Calgary Flames are finally getting a new arena. The arena comes with a $500-million price tag and is slated to be built on the University of Calgary campus where MacHall currently stands. “We had such limited success with…

Zipper-worshiping cult discovered on campus

By Frankie Hart, September 26 2017 — Last Friday, a student who has been missing for several semesters was discovered bloodied and bruised under the Prairie Chicken. The student has requested their personal details be omitted and that they be referred to only as “Disciple Zippy.” Zippy claims to have escaped from a group called…

Your future is spicier than a pumpkin latte

By Derek Baker, September 26 2017 —    Libra  (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) You will stumble upon a neon green pumpkin at the store and bring it home to make pumpkin pie. This pumpkin was radioactive and you now have the ability to breathe fire. Sweet.   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will…

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