Humour

Councillor Colley-Urquhart elected mayor of Antarctic penguin colony

By Derek Baker, November 28 2017 — Calgary city councillor Diane Colley-Urquhart has come under fire after a string of recent council meeting absences. The Ward 13 councillor recently returned from an attempted Antarctic cruise to the surprise of councillors and the mayor on Monday morning. However, the true nature of the trip has now…

What does your astrological animal say about your week?

By Derek Baker, November 27 2017 — Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You have been blessed with a horse-like feature. Unfortunately, it’s your face.   Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) What animal even is your sign? Some sort of whale-antelope hybrid? Cool. Your sign signifies how angsty and misunderstood you will feel this week….

Opinions on festive drink destroy life-long friendship

By Evan Lewis, November 23 2017 — With eggnog popping up on store shelves, it’s no surprise that a rise in eggnog-related incidents is already sweeping the nation. In a shocking public outburst, lifelong friends Natalie Winger and Lydia Bukhari announced the immediate termination of their friendship over a disagreement on the quality of the controversial…

Premature Christmas celebrations cause kerfuffle

By Devin Aggarwal, November 23 2017 — The annual war on Christmas reached new levels of severity this week, as members of the Union against early Christmas Plans (UCP) retaliated against the Nativity Decorators Protectorate (NDP) for their continued promotion of the practice of putting up Christmas decorations before Dec. 1. The retaliation took the…

Three completely logical tips for driving on snowy roads

By Fatima Pirmohamed, November 23 2017 — It’s that time of year again. The temperature has dropped to the negatives and snow keeps falling. Though it’s a friendly reminder that winter break is just around the corner, it’s also responsible for the volume of car accidents increasing tenfold. If you’ve lived through a Calgary winter, you’ve…

How will you get by this finals season?

By Usman Zia, November 23 2017 — Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You want to take a few exam prep courses, but can’t stand the thought of losing a couple hundred bucks from your study snacks budget. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You’ll join a study group in an effort to have some fun…

Five very legit paper-writing tips

By Tina Shaygan, November 9 2017 — To help you combat creeping paper deadlines, we compiled a list of the very best advice for writing an A+ scholarly masterpiece. Follow these simple steps to create your best academic work.   Come up with a very hot take: Make sure to include the edgiest, hottest take…

Things to know if you’re thinking of getting your green card

By Lady Marmalade, November 8 2017 — Marijuana legalization is just around the corner. But if you can hardly wait to get your grubby hands on some devil’s lettuce, you may have considered getting your medical marijuana card. Here are a few things you should know before you are handed the golden key to weed paradise….

We forecast your future involves snow

By Danielle Leong, November 7 2017 —   Scorpio  (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will fall through a mysterious opening in the snow and enter a majestic underground tunnel that leads to the North Pole. Unfortunately, you’ll take a wrong turn and end up in your next lecture.   Sagittarius  (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) After…

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