By Amanda Kennedy, September 27 2016 —
A group of environmental science students have taken the initiative to bring a community garden to the university to raise awareness of small-scale farming practices. The project was erected last Thursday to the immense titillation of its group members.
“I can’t wait to pop the cherry on this project and give students the opportunity to spill their seed side by side — that’s really the vision that’s been behind this whole thing,” fourth-year environmental science student Harry Wang said. Wang has worked long and hard for his strenuous efforts to finally reach climax.
Though the head of the club is throbbing with excitement, third-year student and club president Peter Pecker remains concerned about what to do once the land is available for the group’s penetration. He says the university lacks adequate equipment for tilling the soil, leaving no choice but manual labour.
“We’ll just have to use the old two-man plow,” Pecker said, referring to the pre-Industrial Revolution machine that allowed peasants who didn’t own horses to plant staple crops such as wheat and barley.
Outdated machinery is not the only problem that has caused the project to face scrutiny. Critics, like second-year student Larissa Grey, believe there is a gender imbalance in regards to the garden’s leadership committee.
“What we’re seeing here is the classic circle-jerk of male leadership,” Grey said.
Pecker tested slogans for the garden with focus groups. He is trying to resolve the gender imbalance issue by creating a catchy phrase that will encourage people of all genders to feel comfortable staking their zucchinis in the company of like-minded peers.
“I just wanted to communicate the manual labour aspect of gardening,” said Pecker regarding the slogan, which in its current iteration reads: “Hoes Make it Harder.”
When the obvious innuendo was brought up as a possible reason for the lack of enthusiasm, Pecker was defensive.
“We just want students to tend to gourds and cucumbers together. We’re not perverts,” Pecker said.
Hours later, he was at his drawing board, vigorously crossing off the majority of his slogan ideas, stating that he’s been given the shaft by other group members.
The community garden will also be a way to introduce native fauna into the environment. Wang pointed out a family of garter snakes who have recently inhabited the space.
“There’s something pleasantly soothing about watching the snakes slowly slither in and out of their burrows,” Wang said, with a tinge of ecstasy on his face.
Wang reminded everyone about the proper attire needed for students wishing to participate in the community garden.
“Obviously, always wear protection,” Wang said. “No gardening love without gardening glove.”
Note: Shortly before this article was published, currently unidentified vandals found the fenced-off site for the future garden and changed the “O” on the new “Community Garden” sign to a “U.”
This article is part of our humour section.