By Derek Baker, September 15 2017 —
Nothing short of a miracle occurred at 7:58 a.m. this Friday morning in a SOCI 201 lecture. First-year open studies student Travis Thorne — last seen downing a sixth pitcher of pissly Molson Canadian on top of a speaker at the Den — somehow made it to his 8 a.m. class.
“The whole lecture theatre went silent as we saw him enter the theatre. We couldn’t believe our eyes,” said Alex Andersen, a fellow first-year student and a good friend of Thorne. “Half of the class thought they were looking at a ghost, while the other half were convinced it was an act of divine intervention.”
Shuffling into his seat, a hungover, still slightly inebriated Thorne tried to not draw any attention to himself. With a bottle of Gatorade in one hand and a handful of Vitamin B tablets in the other, he sat down with a quiet but still audible groan.
“Yeah man, I definitely feel a bit rough. But I’m determined to make it through the day,” Thorne said.
He then went on to visibly wince as the professor started up the bright projector.
Thorne’s friends are still flabbergasted as to how he made it to class this morning. Anderson went on to recall their rowdy night.
“The night started off pretty slow after waiting approximately two hours in line to get in. Once we got in, we found out about the drink discounts, and oh boy,” Andersen said, the remains of a triple-vodka slime still on his shirt. “The last time I saw him, Travis was so smashed that he was dancing with a concrete pillar to Genuwine’s ‘Pony.’ ”
It remains unsure how Thorne made it home — he admits that his memory is “just a little fuzzy about that part” — but the estimated three hours of sleep he got was enough to recharge.
Thorne’s unbelievable attendance has also caught the attention of others around campus. University researchers have started filling out scientific ethics and compliance application forms to begin investigating.
“We want to sequence Thorne’s genome and try to find out how someone can get that intoxicated and still be functional the next morning,” physiology professor Claire Conley said. “This could be revolutionary in enhancing student learning.”
Despite a sharp pain behind his eyes and aching muscles, Thorne remained excited for the next Thursden.
“I just can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet Den Lager,” Thorne said before running to the bathroom to pray to the porcelain gods.
This article is part of our humour section.