Jeffery Mills

First-year students already self-identify as seasoned experts in their fields

By Derek Baker, September 17 2015 —

With only two weeks of university classes completed, many first-year students are already describing themselves as “experts” in their respective fields. Dozens of self-proclaimed doctors, engineers and others now offer their services on campus.

First-year political science student Allan Anderson plans to run in the upcoming federal election.

“I now know everything there is to know about politics,” said Anderson, sorting his nomination forms from his POLI 201 notes.  “I feel that I am beyond qualified to represent the families and people of my riding at the federal level. I’ve already compiled plans for increased synergy, cooperation and equality in this great nation of ours.”

These students also frequently tell anyone within earshot how knowledgeable and qualified they are.

“I applied to engineering with a 97.4 per cent average after I came out of high school last year with a 97.4 per cent average,” first-year engineering student Jerry Tran said, “I’m going to have to work really hard to keep my 97.4 per cent average, which I have.”

Tran said he interned for the designers that built the bridge over Shaganappi Trail, which made it  only 97.4 per cent of the way across the road.

Many of these expert students motivate common folk with remarks about how easy the class is, and that this course will surely be an easy A. Other students are encouraged to resist the urge to whack them over the head with their textbooks.

First-year law and society — though she calls it “pre-law” — student Kimberly Klein said she tries to appear humble.

“I don’t know if people notice, but sometimes in lecture, I’ll ask a ‘good question’ that I already know the answer to,” Klein said. “Professors love to see that thirst for knowledge.”

Among the newly created experts are a group of self-described “pre-med” students in health sciences. They plan on opening a medical clinic next month.

“We learned the difference between the tibia and the fibula, so we’re basically doctors now,” one student said.

For any students experiencing difficulty with the emergence of such decorated peers, first-year psychology student Jeremy Rogers will be holding therapy sessions in the Social Sciences stairwell. Students can book appointments to discuss their deepest insecurities and trifles.

“We’ve only learned about Freud so far,” Rogers said. “But that’s all you need to be a psychologist, right?”

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