By Gayathri Peringod, September 21 2017 —
Tired of your textbooks already? Can’t finish a chapter without thinking about that cute guy in your psychology class? Me neither, but that can be fixed. Don’t just sob quietly about how you spent hundreds of dollars on a useless product. These alternatives to reading your textbooks will clear up space on your bookshelf, which you can fill with empty beer cans as you drink to forget your reading list.
Highlight every single word:
The easiest way to screw over a future student is to sell them a textbook filled with neon orange lettering. At first, they may thank their lucky stars that they bought a textbook from someone who knows their shit. However, they’ll soon get a migraine every time they look at the unyielding fluorescent glow. Also throw in some random annotations about how important a paragraph is — even though it’s really not — and cackle to yourself later.
Dry your tears:
Everyone knows how tear-jerking getting a D can be, but you can only buy so many Kleenex boxes when you’re up to your ears in student debt. Luckily, the musty paper of your math workbook waits expectantly for you to blow your nose with as you watch the ending of Bambi. Your days of crying on your roommate’s shoulder are over, my friend.
I’ve been eating paper from an early age and I haven’t looked back. Student life isn’t getting any cheaper and you’re probably running out of Subway coupons. Besides, there’s something mouth-watering about the feeling of dried ink tickling your taste buds as you ingest your weekly reading. That’ll show your prof.
Use them as umbrellas:
Drape your paperback textbooks over your head as you walk across campus on a rainy day. Who knows — you might even start a trend. Soon enough, everyone will be wearing their Global Politics textbooks like hats. This attention-grabbing headwear also functions as an important conversation-ender. Whenever someone starts chatting away to you about their vintage coin collection, simply reach up, pull down and bury your nose into a lesson on international law. It’s surprisingly effective.
As winter approaches, warmth is a coveted amenity. Douse your least favourite textbooks with gasoline, strike a match and watch them burn. For added irony, burn all the copies of Dan Brown’s Inferno that you can find. Maybe you won’t get an A in ENGL 388, but at least you’ll have a nice anecdote. It’s lit.
This article is part of our humour section.