By Derek Baker, April 4 2017 —
The day we’ve all been waiting for is almost here. After a stressful year of school with no end in sight, Bermuda Shorts Day is just around the corner. The last day of classes brings an annual celebration filled with fun and debauchery. This day is also the only valid excuse you’ll have to be turnt at 11:30 a.m. without too much judgement. Whether this is your first BSD or you’re a seasoned pro, here are a few tips to ensure you have a tropical trip of a day.
Start pregaming now:
If you’re not lit yet, you’re already behind. It’s not unusual for people to start partying at 6:00 a.m. or even earlier on BSD. But these people are weak and no fun. Though starting a game of beer pong before the sun rises may seem intense, it’s not enough. True devotees to BSD have had this day marked on their calendar since the beginning of the year and already started to prepare mid-March. The entire beginning of April is basically a write-off in terms of academics and learning, so it’s not like you’re actually going to miss anything, anyway.
Complain about the music:
The performer lineup has been released and as usual, some people are very vocal with their displeasure of the selections. I, for one, am shocked that the schedule doesn’t include Calvin Harris or David Guetta. How dare the SU try to get local talent to perform! The audacity! If it doesn’t feel like I’m partying in Ibiza, is it even worth going to? Stick it to the SU by commenting on their post about how much better your choices would have been.
Trash-ion over fashion:
Is that someone dressed up as Left Shark? Yep. Inflatable inner tubes and water wings as accessories? Check. BSD is the perfect time to experiment with your fashion choices. Take a trip to Value Village and find something that just screams “wow” to bring home and alter into something truly haute couture. Your outfit might be loud enough to drown out the music, but your flamingo-printed overalls will become infamous.
Tie a rope to connect you and your friends:
When your squad rolls into BSD, you’ll hopefully be sort-of-sober enough to remain as a unit for at least the first few acts. However, one minute you’re having a great time dancing with your friends and the next, you’re screaming into your phone, “WHERE ARE YOU? I’M BY THE FRONT. WHERE ARE YOU? I’M WAVING, I’M JUMPING — DO YOU SEE ME?”
BSD is like the actual Bermuda Triangle in that once your friends disappear, they won’t reappear for the rest of the day. Not only will this result in wasting time looking for your friends, but you also might be crushed by the crippling fear that your friends ditched you because they actually haven’t liked you this whole time and you’re an awful person. To solve this problem, grab a rope and tie it around each of your waists. It may pose a strangulation risk but trust me — this is the least of security concerns in dealing with safety hazards on BSD.
Eat many mini donuts:
BSD has a host of food truck options in an attempt to keep party-goers well nourished. But let’s be real — only the mini donut truck is relevant. Buy enough mini donuts so that you can use the buckets to construct a personal fort. Proclaim yourself king or queen of BSD as you look down upon the crowd. As an added benefit, the high influx of carbohydrates will hopefully suck enough alcohol out of your system that you won’t be that person who had to be carried out of the beer gardens on a stretcher.
This article is part of our humour section.