Remember when the University of Calgary didn’t look like a construction site? Me neither. It seems like forever ago when you could pass the Social Science building and say, ‘I still don’t know how those engineers made that Prairie Chicken look like a chicken,’ or the days when you could just cut across the grass to avoid people walking to slow on the pathways. Oh grass, how I miss you. Here are some tips to help you navigate to your next class.
1. Hop the fence:
This one is a no-brainer. How else are you going to avoid the awkward encounter with that person that ghosted you? Since we used to be able to dash across the grass, the logical next step is to hop the fence. If that doesn’t appeal to you, think of all the upper-body strength you’ll acquire from constantly hopping the construction fences. It’s a win-win, if you ask me. I guarantee you that no one will get in your way after you hop the fence. Well, maybe security, but that’s beside the point.
If climbing fences intimidates you, body-checking might be a better option. Since you’re clearly the most important person in the world, other people don’t matter to you. Body-checking is a sure-fire way to make them get out of your way. To improve your form, watch Don Cherry compilations about how to effectively lay the body, like a “good ol’ Ontario boy.” Side effects may include getting into fights with strangers, possible injury due to incorrect form, getting caught by security and pending assault charges.
3. Tear it down:
Tired of the stress of university, the high tuition fees or just want to stick it to ‘the man’? You’re in luck, because there’s no better way to tear down the hierarchical institutions than literally tearing them down. I think that’s what Ronald Reagan was talking about with the Berlin Wall. This is your best option, especially when it comes to improving physical strength. However, the odds of you getting visited by security are very high.
4. Drop out:
Your back is against the wall, and you’re all out of options. As Wayne Gretzky once said, “For every shot you don’t take, an angel loses its wings,” or something like that, so shoot your shot. The current construction on campus is scheduled to be completed around 2020. So wait it out, but make sure you let your profs know. I’m sure they’ll understand.
This article is part of our humour section.