Photo by Genesis Kayemba

Frosh 2017: Real study tips

By Sean Willett

  • Coffee? Red Bull? That’s baby shit. Take the pills that weirdo in the library keeps trying to sell you. But be careful! If you take too many, you’ll die.
  • Positive reinforcement works wonders. Hire an assassin that will kill you if you do poorly on your test. That way, you will have something to work towards.
  • Have a question during class, but it doesn’t have anything to do with the current topic? Ask it anyway! Everyone wants to hear your dumbass ramblings about how you’re an anarcho-libertarian or whatever. Your professor will give you bonus marks if you mention Hitler more than twice.
  • All-nighters are not good for your health. Instead of spending the night studying, spend it staring out of your window thinking about how it’s too late to stop the assassin you hired from completing his dark task.
  • After you’re done reading a chapter of your textbook, write a summary and tattoo it onto your body. The excruciating pain will serve as a reminder of what is to come.
  • Need some peace and quiet? Book a private study room in the library where you can scream as loud as you want without anyone calling the cops.
  • Don’t forget to get some exercise every now and then! It helps keep the blood flowing to your brain, but don’t for a second think it will help you escape the Black Adder when he descends upon you in the night.
  • Eat a balanced breakfast on the day of your exam. Enjoy the taste of food. It is such a simple joy in life, and you may never have the opportunity again.
  • Colour-code your notes!!!

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