By Sean Willett, January 8, 2015 —
A recent meeting of the University of Calgary’s Geeks United club was once again cut short by a gang of marauding bullies. Members of the club were subjected to such humiliating bully-techniques as wet willies, snake-bites and the recently invented fancy melvis.
“It was awful,” said Geeks United president Randall Snotsman. “We were just beginning to talk about the latest episode of Doctor Who when the bullies kicked down the door and started wreaking havoc. One of our members was given such a brutal fancy melvis that they had to go to physiotherapy.”
This is the fourth time in the last month that the bullies have managed to locate and ruin a Geeks United meeting.
“It doesn’t seem to matter where we hold the meetings or how hard we try to keep them a secret,” Snotsman said. “The bullies always find us before we can start talking about our Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. fan-ships.”
The bullies, who identified themselves as members of Bullies United, claim they are providing an important service to the school.
“Someone needs to put those nerds in their place,” said Bullies United president Bruce Musclehound. “Without us they would run amok, blabbing on and on about their nerd bullshit. We uphold the natural order of things.”
In an attempt to stop the harassment, Geeks United contacted Campus Security, only to be told that Bullies United was technically doing nothing wrong.
“It’s actually in the school’s charter that bullies are able to hassle nerds without any repercussions,” said U of C security representative Janet Copkisser. “This isn’t as much of a surprise, seeing as the U of C was founded by a collective of incredibly famous and powerful bullies.”
Despite protests from members of Geeks United, the bullies have no intention of stopping anytime soon.
“Wherever there is a dork trying to play Magic: The Gathering in the middle of MacHall, we’ll be there,” Musclehound said. “Wherever there is a softboy performing an acoustic cover of a rap song, we’ll be there. Wherever there is anyone trying to do anything that isn’t sports, beer or some kind of sex thing, we’ll be there. That is our promise to you.”
Musclehound also hinted towards a new bully technique in the works for 2015.
“It’s called a spicy branson,” he explained. “It’s already been banned by the European Union.”