By Derek Baker, April 6 2017 —
(March 21 – April 19)
While dancing in the crowd during Bermuda Shorts Day, you will transcend the mortal grips of the earth and have an out-of-body experience — it’s all downhill from here.
(April 20 – May 20)
Confused about the concept of BSD, you will travel to Bermuda, never to be seen again.
(May 21 – June 20)
Last BSD, you were stuck writing an in-class final. This year, take comfort in the fact that the professor no longer teaches here after being destroyed by the USRIs.
(June 21 – July 22)
You will make a poor life decision and wear sandals to BSD. It’s okay — you don’t really need your left big toe, anyway.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Since you started partying so early, you will experience a new feeling of being hungover at 6:00 p.m.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Refusing to miss both class and the party, you’ll somehow convince your professor to hold the last lecture at the beer gardens.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Your outfit will be so tacky that you’ll be mistaken for literal trash. The caretakers will sweep your drunk ass into the garbage where you belong.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will drink so many Twisted Teas that you’ll never be able to drink regular iced tea again without gagging.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will carry around a sense of superiority after you decide to not join the festivities in the beer gardens and go to class. Aren’t you just so fucking high and mighty.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Eager to start partying early, you will wake up at 4:00 a.m. to start playing beer pong. You will not make it past the pregame. RIP.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will wear the coolest bucket hat to BSD. Like, you don’t even understand how cool this hat is. It’s a really, really, cool hat.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will take advantage of the free water offered at BSD and manage to stockpile enough to last through the apocalypse.