Kaleem Khan

Get lit with our BSD horoscopes

By Derek Baker, April 6 2017 —

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

While dancing in the crowd during Bermuda Shorts Day, you will transcend the mortal grips of  the earth and have an out-of-body experience — it’s all downhill from here.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Confused about the concept of BSD, you will travel to Bermuda, never to be seen again.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Last BSD, you were stuck writing an in-class final. This year, take comfort in the fact that the professor no longer teaches here after being destroyed by the USRIs.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will make a poor life decision and wear sandals to BSD. It’s okay — you don’t really need your left big toe, anyway.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Since you started partying so early, you will experience a new  feeling of being hungover at 6:00 p.m.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Refusing to miss both class and the party, you’ll somehow convince your professor to hold the last lecture at the beer gardens.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your outfit will be so tacky that you’ll be mistaken for literal trash. The caretakers will sweep your drunk ass into the garbage where you belong.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will drink so many Twisted Teas that you’ll never be able to drink regular iced tea again without gagging.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will carry around a sense of superiority after you decide to not join the festivities in the beer gardens and go to class. Aren’t you just so fucking high and mighty.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Eager to start partying early, you will wake up at 4:00 a.m. to start playing beer pong. You will not make it past the pregame. RIP.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will wear the coolest bucket hat to BSD. Like, you don’t even understand how cool this hat is. It’s a really, really, cool hat.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will take advantage of the free water offered at BSD and manage to stockpile enough to last through the apocalypse.

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