Horniness outside of Sex Week to be punishable by administration

By Frankie Hart, January 22 2018 —

In a controversial move, the University of Calgary administration has declared horniness outside of Sex Week non-academic misconduct. All offenders will face immediate suspension from their classes.

“This was important to implement as my first big move as president,” said U of C president Ed McCauley. “It’s time to finally punish being horny for the reprehensible action it is. And I mean that in the absoleast sexy way possible.”

Seventy-two students have already been found guilty of non-academic misconduct following the policy change. These students must attend 10 workshops to preventing horniness before they can return to their classes. One such student, who wished to remain anonymous, believes that he should not have received a misconduct.

“We were watching a video in class, what was I supposed to do? You see a strong lion hunting and notice its power and broad frame with such an elegant grace, what’s a man to do? Not get a little horny? It’s not like I was hurting anyone,” he explained.

Overall, professors seem pleased with the policy, citing horniness as a common cause of distraction prior to the change. Zoology professor Leon Hardon was one of the first faculty to make use of the policy.

“Some of these kids think I don’t notice, but I do. They’re very clearly making bedroom eyes at some other student, rather than at the class content. At least that’s somewhat understandable,” said Hardon. “It’s the students that get horny due to the class content itself I worry about. Because of the change I was finally able to do something about this kid that would get really weird during nature videos.”

Despite student discontent with the policy, its strongest advocate seems to be the Students’ Union. They have implemented a task force to monitor for horniness in student common areas, whereas professors are responsible for their own classes.

“The policy helps to really promote Sex Week, which is, of course, run by the Students’ Union. By repressing student horniness on all other days, students are free to really let loose during Sex Week, which will surely equate to great student involvement,” said SU president Sagar Grewal.

Grewal stated his only concern is potential decline in morale following Sex Week, and is working with vice-president academic Jessica Revington to organize events to lift student spirits during this period of post-nut depression.

Sex Week runs from Feb. 11–15. Throughout the week, students are encouraged to be horny to their heart’s content.

This article is part of our humour section.