Illustration by Tricia Lim

Horoscopes: Which app is taking over your life?

By Frankie Hart, March 26 2019 —

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

There’s no way to have three ‘finstas’ and two ‘rinstas’ and not become a shell of a human being. Are you okay?

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Despite the hit it took from Instagram stories, you’re still a dedicated Snapchat user. You’ll tell people it’s to keep your streaks, but you actually just creep on everyone using the map every hour.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Even though most stopped playing Pokémon Go in 2016 and the student club is gone, you’re still out huntin’. You will never stop. It is your destiny.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

After months of seeing ads for Episode, you’ll download it out of curiosity. You’ve smooched every hottie and became the most popular girl at your high school. This app is the perfect replacement for the crushing loneliness of your university life!

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Hit or miss, you’re always on Tik Tok, huh? Got a final, I bet you’re gonna fail, ya! Gonna ride this meme off of a bridge, yuh!

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Most kids these days have abandoned Facebook, but you’re in over 100 niche groups, 10 of which you’re a moderator of and three you’re the main admin of. You’re in too deep to bail now. 

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’ll continue to live in denial and watch five-hour hyper-specific Vine compilations on YouTube. In your mind, it’ll always be 2015. The glory days.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ll get caught up in Choices, the less horny and more fantastical version of Episode. The stories are well-developed and read like an interactive book! Or at least, that’s what you’ll say to yourself every time you buy a pack of 250 diamonds for $27.99. Yikes.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll spent enough time on ‘stan Twitter’ that you’ll physically say ‘SKSKSKSK’ in real life. While talking to people. To their face.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll become addicted to the dress-up game Love Nikki despite having no idea how it’s supposed to work. Are you choosing an outfit for work or for being some sort of demonic elf?

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Mobile gaming doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Why would you play Fortnite on your computer when it’s right here on your phone?

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You thought that you’d only play SongPop for a little while, then it would eventually become another piece of nostalgia like Draw Something. But nothing quite compares to the rush of beating a baby-boomer dad at identifying ‘70s rock classics.



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