(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Wanting to prepare yourself for Valentine’s Day, you’ll get a head start on crying. Who says you can only feel unbearably lonely once a year?
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Working retail over the holidays, you’ve been to hell and back. Repetitive Christmas music has reprogrammed your brain to reject the new material you’re required to learn this semester. Your algorithm will release automated tears to free up space in your head.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Remember that assigned novel for a class two semesters ago that you really meant to read? Reflecting on your commitment issues, you burst into tears.
(March 21 – April 19)
It’s a fresh start to a new year! New semester, new you, it’s all going so well. Well, optimism is fleeting. Simply knowing this makes you cry.
(April 20 – May 20)
All you heard was “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” but he still broke up with you right before Christmas. Then he guilted you, saying it’s your fault that he has to return the many, many, many gifts he bought for you. *Sniff* It’s okay though — new year, new boyfriend!
(May 21 – June 20)
You will work on that novella you promised yourself you’d finish before 2019. But we all know it’s never going to get done. Your parents were right.
(June 21 – July 22)
The stress of the semester will completely engulf you. And it’s only January. Let the waterworks begin.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
All of your relatives gifted you packages of socks over the holidays. They said in adulthood, you’d appreciate being gifted socks, but no one bothered to even guess what you really wanted. You’ll use these socks to sop up your tears.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You can’t wait for summer. But then you remember that you don’t have a beach bod. You’ll use your tears as lotion, tanning in the privacy of your backyard. Silly Virgo, beach bod is a state of mind.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
“Jingle Bell Rock” was your jam long after your friends deemed it inappropriate to still listen to it. As they forcefully delete your Christmas Spotify playlist, you’ll rock back and forth in the corner, silent tears falling down your face.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Your holiday Tinder date went horribly. Santa scared off your date with his Big Daddy Energy and watchful elves. You can’t help but feel that you’ve lost the love of your life. Don’t worry — Papa Santy will be there to dry your eyes.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Every day you tell yourself that you’ll bring your leftover fruit cake to eat as a snack instead of spending $6 on fries and every day it grows exponentially lonelier on your counter, pushed behind the toaster oven. Thinking of your poor, neglected little cake, you’ll let out a sob.