By Frankie Hart, April 13 2019 —
(March 21 – April 19)
Out of hatred for the tendency of BSD to overshadow your birthday, you rented out Lot 32 and threw a birthday rager of epic proportions, which further slashed BSD attendance. The obvious change in student interest will pressure the Students’ Union to rebrand BSD into Birthday Suit Day. Surely, this is a step in the right direction.
(April 20 – May 20)
You decided to use the dense crowd outside of D-Block to crowd surf and then immediately landed in horse shit. Whee.
(May 21 – June 20)
You stayed at home studying for the consecutive block of exams that immediately follow the weekend. At least you didn’t get chundied on.
(June 21 – July 22)
At karaoke, you enchanted everyone with your angelic belting of “I Will Always Love You.” Just kidding. You drunkenly fell on your face halfway through the chorus and got carried out by security.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
You asked one of the mounted police at D-Block if you could take a ride on their horsey. The last thing you’ll saw was a horse hoof headed towards your face.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You spent the day at home making a tiny snowman out of Thursday’s downfall! Aww, he has a baby carrot for a nose.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
After a long and harrowing semester, you woke up Friday morning and decided that your celebration would be to go back to sleep. Fuck yeah.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
At the photo booth, you dropped your pants and introduced everybody to another black hole. A scientific marvel, indeed.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You violently Fortnite-danced on an empty dance floor, which was amusing to no one.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You spent so many hours obsessing over your BSD outfit that you passed out into a pile of fabric, googly eyes and thread on the floor. The overexposure to hot glue put you in a haute-coma.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You went to the bathroom and witnessed the worst horrors of mankind. You returned to your friends forever changed.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You got so lit at the beer gardens that the SU won’t have a deficit this year. Now that’s what I call school spirit.