Photo by Mariah Wilson

How to become your professor’s favourite student

By Frankie Hart, September 20 2018 —

Some may suggest that the path to academic success is paved in wastes of time such as thorough note-taking and careful organization. However, the real secret to getting that 4.0 is good old-fashioned favouritism. Here’s how to get in your professor’s good books to rank high in their grade books.

Endear:

Constantly bombarded by emails simply asking them for an A+, professors are notoriously starved of meaningful interactions and general feelings of worth. Try starting conversations with your professor after lectures and give positive comments such as, “Great lecture today,” or, “Your eyes are such a delicious shade of green, they remind me of a crisp, tart granny apple.”

Entertain:

The life of a professor is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short. To distract them from this tragic reality, visit them during office hours and put on a variety show — starring you! Suggested acts include puppetry, tap dancing, juggling with knives, breathing fire, stand-up comedy and swimsuit modelling. These brief moments away from their sad, sad lives will brighten their day and keep you in their mind.

Inspire:

Some professors are just lacking a little skip in their step. They need a muse! Email them paragraphs of strange ramblings and attach beautiful photos of yourself. This is sure to add some much-needed spontaneity into their day as well as remind them of the reason they took up their profession in the first place.

Neg:

This step is crucial. You don’t want to shower the professor with too many compliments at once or they will suspect your intentions. After a few compliments, keep them on their toes with a negative comment. Be sure to sprinkle in a vague insult about their eyebrows or PowerPoint font choice.

Create:

Channel the time you save from skipping assignments into creating a beautiful portrait of your professor. It is crucial to have it finished by the end of the semester to present to them as this will guarantee their love and admiration. Be sure to include details that show you know them well, such as capturing their cute little dimple and the twinkle in their eye. Professors love acrylics.

This article is part of our humour section.

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