By Rachel Woodward, October 17 2017 —
We’re all familiar with the mid-semester slump. Midterms are underway, assignments are in full throttle and your mental health is seemingly as fragile as it ever has been. Don’t fret, though. With a few changes to your daily routine, you can make it through this low point.
They say getting up early is a great way to kick-start your energy and give yourself a few extra hours to get stuff done. But with all of your classes and readings piling up, you’ll be staying up pretty late these days anyways, so why not just cut out the middleman? Stop sleeping entirely and turn your life into a never-ending caffeine- and anxiety-filled nightmare that just won’t end. Good thing it’s getting cold out, because the cool, crisp air of winter is the only thing that will make you feel alive.
Lose touch with those you care about:
Trust me, all your friends are fed up with your late-night texts bailing on tomorrow’s plans. They know you’re just flaky. Now is the time to give up. If someone reaches out to grab a drink or have a study date, firmly let them know that you have no intentions of continuing the relationship. It’s easier this way. Plus, everyone knows that there is no greater satisfaction than isolation. Your 4.0 GPA will hold you at night.
Stop caring about your appearance:
You already wear the same pants for weeks at a time, so why stop there? Baby wipes count as a shower and mouthwash does the same thing as brushing your teeth. It doesn’t matter. Nobody cares. Or at least, that’s what you think. They do care. But it doesn’t matter. You’re so focused on staying alive at this point that you’ll wear pajamas and a diaper to school and call it avant-garde. Actually, the diaper thing isn’t a bad idea.
Buy 14 planners:
Nothing will make you feel more productive than buying multiple planners. You’ll try bullet journaling, apps, agendas and ancient scrolls. Colour coding and Pinterest inspo-boards are your new best friends. You’ve never felt more organized in your life! Is this what being an adult feels like? You now know when all your tests are, when your assignments are due and when you have appointments. Unfortunately, you’ve just spend 118 hours making your planners look good instead of studying for all those tests you have coming up. Oh well.
Drop out of school:
This is the only way to get through your feelings of existential dread. Your Grade 12 social studies teacher was right — you’re a failure. There’s always next year. You did your best and that’s all that matters. Now you finally have time to pursue all those hobbies you gave up. Good luck out there!
This article is part of our humour section.