By Frankie Hart, March 8 2019 —
It’s late and you have a hankerin’ for a midnight snack. You’re not committed enough to travel to the nearest fast food joint and get your fill but you won’t be satisfied by anything found in your own home.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. You contemplate ordering something from a food delivery app, but you worry. What if you open your door to the delivery person and they peer inside, see that you have only ordered this food for yourself, and say, “Oh, I see. You ordered this food because you have no friends and are pathetically lonely. You’re a loser and I have no choice but to kick your ass.” And that’s pretty much the best-case scenario.
The trick is to prevent the delivery person from finding out that you’ve ordered food alone. Here are some handy tips for deceiving your food courier:
Take inspiration from Home Alone:
If you live in a house, this method is for you. First, close the curtains of your front-facing window. Then, construct an elaborate contraption using pulleys and the One Direction cardboard cutouts from the back of your closet to create the illusion of moving bodies. Record yourself doing different voices and layer them to recreate the ambience of a house party. Blast the recording through your speakers and the delivery person will have no reason to suspect that you’re ordering McDonald’s just to supplement your evening plans to wallow in your own misery. Extra tip: When you open the door, be sure to turn your head and yell, “Hey, my friends, our delivery is here with the food that all of us are going to share, together!” They’ll be none the wiser.
Keeping different costumes complete with wigs at the stand-by, open the door and say, “Oh dear! I thought you were one of my friends arriving at this party. I will retrieve the person that ordered the food! Be right back.” Quickly change into costume.
Then, go to the food courier and say, “Hi, thank you for delivering this food, I would have many upset guests if we were short on food. Actually, speaking of my guests, could you wait here a second? I know someone here that’s interested in getting into the game, maybe you could answer their questions. Be right back!”
Finally, return in a third costume and ask intrusive questions about the delivery person’s pay, experiences and recommendations. They’ll be thoroughly convinced that there are multiple people receiving this food. After all, they saw at least three distinct people.
Become Charlie Bucket:
Explain to the delivery person that this food is for all four of your dear grandparents, who are too ill to leave the bed that they all share. “What do you mean, they all share?” they’ll nosily question. “You know,” you’ll respond, “two on each end of the bed, facing each other.”
You’re now sweating nervously. “Wait, isn’t that from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?” they’ll ask. You’ll grab the food and slam the door, shut off the lights and run to the comfort of your bedroom. Though it’s tempting to review the delivery person as ‘rude,’ you still give them five stars and tip 18 per cent. You’re not a monster.
Invite them in:
You admit to your food courier that you could use a friend right now and offer to split the food with them. They’ll breathe a sigh of relief and step inside. “I thought you’d never ask,” they smile. You have a nice meal.