By Frankie Hart, March 8 2019 —
Deciding to make noodles at 4 a.m. was perhaps your first mistake. Doing this while distracted on your phone was the second. You’ve truly done the unthinkable — the seasoning package is swimming in boiling water alongside your noodles. This must be what rock bottom feels like. When you’re ready, get going on pulling yourself back together with this guide:
Curl up into a ball in the corner of your kitchen and stare into your ceiling:
If you can’t be trusted to make instant noodles, how can you be expected to handle real responsibilities? How are you supposed to finish this degree? Where did it all go so wrong? Who are you anymore? You were once a sweet, young child filled with promise. When did you slip down this dark path?
Release your consciousness from your body like a child letting the ribbon of a balloon slip from their grasp:
Congratulations, now you’re just floatin’ around. How’s the weather up there?
Zone out so hard that you fall asleep on the kitchen floor:
Whoops! All part of the process, I guess.
Sweep the kitchen floor, because that was gross:
Giving yourself a task and actually accomplishing it will be the first step in redeeming yourself as a person capable of completing tasks. Look at you, winning that game of “stand up broom.” Killing it. Maybe a clean kitchen floor is the trick to not fucking up noodles.
Write poetry fueled entirely by your regret and fear:
Wow, that is actually pretty good.
Go to your classes like you’re someone who didn’t put a seasoning packet into boiling water:
This is easier said than done. But day by day, you’ll start to forget that silly little incident and believe in yourself again. It will be a hard journey, filled with hard work and self-reflection.
Wake up on the kitchen floor:
Oh, shit. A bunch of this was just a dream.
Wash the dishes:
The sooner you get rid of the evidence of your mistakes, the better. It feels like washing blood off your hands.
Go sleep in your actual bed. It’s 5 a.m.:
Maybe after a few shitty hours of sleep, you’ll forget this whole thing. All you have to do is not find a way to immortalize your mistake.