By Frankie Hart, April 1 2019 —
(March 21 – April 19)
You’ll check your bank account and see it’s at $420.69. Nice. Oh wait, shit, make that -$420.69. Oof.
(April 20 – May 20)
In a moment of pure karma, your childhood days of pranking will culminate in you being egged and pantsed at the same time. You know how the last few years have kind of sucked ass? After this one moment, the universe will be restored and all will be made right.
(May 21 – June 20)
After weeks of ignoring vaguely threatening spam emails, your social media will be hacked and your embarrassing secrets will be posted everywhere. Turns out the emails were just your cousin Terry trying to get you to pay for using his Netflix. You’ll end up having to pay him blackmail money instead.
(June 21 – July 22)
Your Tinder date will be an actual clown.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your roommate will pull the classic ‘saran-wrap-on-the-toilet’ trick. The experience will be enough for you to crawl into the shower and cry in the running water for an hour. Some scars don’t fade.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your friend will show you their SoundCloud-rap debut, which you will think is some sort of elaborate April Fool’s joke. They will be very hurt when you laugh at their art.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Upon entering the classroom, your professor will single you out and directly proclaim, “April Fool’s!” You will notice there does not appear to be any actual prank and become confused. Then you will see a notification on D2L. Oh no.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll find yourself in a heated argument on /r/ucalgary. Damn, where’d it all go so wrong?
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You will stay up super late working on assignment just to forget to hand it in on time. No one can prank you harder than you can prank yourself.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ll be mercilessly pranked on Just For Laughs: Gags. You’ll cry so hard and embarrass yourself to the point that the producers will decide that it’s simply unethical to continue making the show.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You will be duped into shaking hands with someone wearing a hand buzzer then attack them in absolute fury. You won’t be able to tell what the real prank was — getting shocked or getting arrested.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You’ll try to follow an April Fool’s prank tutorial on YouTube just to find yourself stapled into a bed of denim and cotton balls. Prankin’ ain’t easy.