By Kristy Koehler, September 16 2019 —
Forgive me Jason Kenney, for I have sinned.
My last confession was… well… never, because this bullshit hasn’t occurred since the 1930s.
Forgive me Jason Kenney, Oil Overlord, for I have sinned.
I have participated in UnAlbertan activities.
I sold my truck and used the money to buy a small, fuel-efficient vehicle.
I have impure thoughts about solar energy panels, sometimes twice daily — I tried to repent by going to the Shell station and flagellating myself with the gas pump.
I coveted my neighbour’s orange lawn sign and gazed with lust at the NDP platform advertising $25 daily childcare.
I know it is my moral Albertan duty to vote for the federal Conservatives, but I took Andrew Scheer’s name in vain last night and called him an asshole.
I worshipped a false idol by listening intently to David Suzuki’s podcast.
Last week, I went out for dinner and ordered Manitoba Pickerel instead of Alberta beef.
I didn’t attend all ten days of Stampede, and the days I did go, I said Yee-Haw instead of Yahoo.
I shall anoint my forehead with bitumen and promise to think of no other province than Alberta while laying pipe.
Forgive my transgressions and admit me to your crude-soaked paradise, where there is nary a tree in sight and the forests are burning…
This article is part of our humour section.