Kaleem Khan

It’s the end of the world as we know it, but our horoscopes will make you feel fine

By Derek Baker, November 15 2016 —

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After ironically hoping for a giant meteor to hit the earth instead of Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump winning the United States presidential election, the heavens will hear your prayers and send down a personal mini-meteor to hit you on the back of the head. Luckily, it will knock you into a coma for four years and you’ll only have to deal with Trump’s second term in office.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

On this day in 2050, you will go outside on a particularly sweltering day. It will be so hot that you can crack an egg on a slab of asphalt and it will actually fry. You are completely fine with this, however, because salmonella is deadly. This is the only way you can be certain that your tar-flavoured omelette is completely devoid of any harmful bacteria.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

The year is 2021. It is the third year in a row that a nuclear-induced winter has persisted after a falling out between the U.S. and Russia. It’s okay though — the snow glows in the dark and that’s kind of cool. Who needs to eat, anyway?

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

In 2090, you will decide to visit Florida for a winter holiday — because what else do old people do, am I right? However, due to our inadequacy in addressing climate change, the sea level will have risen to such an extent that Florida no longer exists We can’t say that they didn’t have it coming.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

After decades of oil fracking, a massive earthquake will hit rural Oklahoma and somehow completely rearrange the earth’s tectonic plates. You can now fearlessly move to Victoria with the assurance that the “Big One” is no longer a possibility. Nice.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

In the year 2069, as you stare out into the ocean, you will be alarmed that it has turned blood red. Is it a sign of the apocalypse as foretold in the Book of Revelation? Nope. It’s only a bloom of toxic red dinoflagellate plankton, so there’s nothing major to worry about.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

A supervolcano will suddenly spurt out of your back yard next week. However, you have been preparing for just such an event for years. As you climb down into your volcano shelter, you also tap into the geothermal energy sources of the geological feature. Once the eruption calms down, you will emerge from your shelter as the world’s next energy superpower.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

The year is 2073 and you consider planning a road trip down to the American midwest. However, the amount of tornados now seen in this region may throw a wrench in your plan. The reason you aren’t in Kansas anymore is because Kansas has blown right off the face of the earth.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

A great flu pandemic will sweep around the world, bringing peril to everyone. However, you can now smugly brag to all of your friends who pester you every year to get a flu shot that it really is pointless.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

In the year 2052, there will be enough carbon dioxide in the atmosphere that life will almost inevitably cease to exist. However, you will come up with a way to sequester the carbon from greenhouse gas and squeeze it into diamonds. Your short-lived stint as a gemstone mogul will make you one of the richest people on the planet for the short time left that humans can still survive.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

There will be enough mercury in the water by the year 2045 that you will actually be able to squeeze it out of the fish you’re about to eat. This isn’t an issue, however, because you’ve always wanted to be able to play with mercury with your hands like they did in the days before they realized how dangerous it was to human health.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

It’s November 2053 and the Amazon rainforest no longer exists. However, the world’s supply of hamburgers and steaks has increased dramatically, allowing you to chow down on a juicy Carl’s Jr. Thickburger for half the cost it is today.

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