Kaleem Khan

Lights! Camera! Blockbuster horoscopes!

Jill Girgulis, May 24 2016 —

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Enraged at the fact that The Angry Birds Movie is allowed to exist, you will work tirelessly to overthrow the capitalist bourgeoisie and ensure this never happens again.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will feel so guilty about going to see Alice Through the Looking Glass without reading the book first that you will race to finish the novel during the previews.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will be overcome with an urge to rent a VHS tape and spend an obscene amount of money on snacks. Upon MapQuest-ing the location of the closest Blockbuster, you will discover that your local branch is now an IHOP. Shocked, you will call your BFFL on your pink Motorola Razr to inform them of this discovery.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Instead of Jason Bourne, you will suggest the more creative title of Spy-ie McSpyface for Matt Damon’s latest movie. Damon will so pleased that he will offer you unlimited use of his vacation villa on Mars.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

While watching Now You See Me 2, you will be so focused on the fact that they didn’t name the movie Now You Don’t that you will fail to notice Harry Potter successfully infiltrate Muggle society.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will get hopelessly lost on your way to watch Finding Dory and end up at 42 Wallaby Way. Unfortunately, it won’t be in Sydney.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While in line to buy a ticket for Independence Day: Resurgence, Will Smith will approac you. He will convince you to ditch the sequel and join him at a dance party where the only song played is “Wild Wild West.”

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

While enjoying the first few minutes of Suicide Squad, it will suddenly occur to you that Margot Robbie dressed as Harley Quinn looks like an unstable Anne Hathaway on methamphetamine. The movie will be ruined for you — not that it was great in the first place.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Your computer will crash after you watch Zac Efron’s striptease from the Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising trailer one time too many.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

During a pivotal moment in X-Men: Apocalypse, Hugh Jackman will wander into the theatre and snag one of your nachos with his Wolverine claws.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will become so paranoid after watching The Secret Life of Pets that you will refuse to leave your six cats, two betta fish, seven hedgehogs and 33 ladybugs home alone.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Robert Downey, Jr. will offer you his $40-million Civil War paycheck to prevent you from joining Team Cap, until he discovers that you’re useless in a superhero fight.

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