By Devin Aggarwal, January 30 2017 —
The usual air of understated indifference felt by students at the University of Calgary was shattered last Thursday following the advancement of the Doomsday Clock. The clock, which symbolizes how close the world is to an “apocalyptic midnight,” moved forward 30 seconds, bringing it to two minutes to midnight. The change spurred looting and riots among the student population after some math majors extrapolated that only four years remained in a pre-apocalyptic world at the clock’s current rate of advancement.
The riot began in the Social Sciences building, prompted by students panicked over the anarchic state of the world, and quickly spread across campus. Students were seen grabbing all the valuables they could find and even set the campus bookstore ablaze.
“I’ve given up all hope of finishing my degree,” third-year history major Isabel Robertson said while emptying her meal-plan account in one splurge at Fuel for Gold. “I might as well enjoy myself before the apocalypse.”
The mob then broke into the registrar’s office, demanding that they be allowed to challenge all of their exams before the bomb drops.
“I’ve spent my whole life studying,” said Will Lyle, a second-year engineering student. “So, if I just don’t sleep for the next few months and finish my degree by April, I’ll have only two years to unsuccessfully look for jobs before society collapses.”
In response to the crisis, Campus Security was briefed on how to best prepare for a nuclear winter — which, it turns out, is not very different from a regular Calgary winter.
“We just bought an anti-ICBM defence system to protect student safety. We plan on installing it on the Last Defence Lounge,” Campus Security chief Jacob Kennedy said. “We’re sending a message to the students that we care about their safety and have come up with the most practical, cost-effective solution to dealing with everyday issues around campus.”
In response to the purchase of the multi-billion dollar defence system on campus, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists moved the doomsday clock forward another two seconds.
This article is part of our humour section.