HUMOUR_CampingHallway_MariahWilson-4833
Photo by Mariah Wilson

Lost first-year student still stranded on campus

By Joie Atejira, September 19 2017 —

Getting lost on campus as a confused first-year is nothing new. However, one University of Calgary freshman, who requested to remain anonymous due to the possible ridicule and shame, has not been able to find his way to his next class — or even his way home — since the start of the semester.

“I’ve been in this exact same spot since the first day of class,” the poor kid said. “I was rushing to my second class since I only had 10 minutes before it started. Then, a wave of students came and took me along with them. All of a sudden, I was in an unfamiliar hallway. I’ve been here ever since.”

The hapless student resorted to camping out in the dark, gloomy hallway, constructing a shack out of his windbreaker, a U of C flag he got from Orientation Week and his iPad.

While living on campus, the student’s appearance has degraded severely. He looks bony, his first-day-of-school outfit is stained and he has somehow grown a beard resembling Tom Hanks in Cast Away. One careless student provided him with a glimmer of hope — a misplaced engineering scarf that has become this miserable man’s only companion.

“I’ve named him Gene. He’s my blankie and he comforts me when I get nightmares about how I got here. He’s my towel too, when I try to clean myself up in the bathroom sinks. Gene is my best friend,” the lost student said.

He lives off of the few provisions he acquired from Orientation Week, but his resources are slowly dwindling.

“One time I got really lucky. This room behind me had an event that had free pizza, so I took a whole box of Hawaiian that nobody wanted,” he proudly shared.

To make matters even worse, the student is subscribed to Freedom Mobile and receives no coverage in this building.

“I couldn’t even call my friends or family to ask for help,” he said through muffled sobs.

The farthest this unfortunate student has traversed is to the water fountain around the corner. He says he is too afraid to explore any further, fearing that he might get even more lost.

“It’s like a labyrinth,” he said. “I’ll never get out of this place.”

If you see this student while on campus, it is advised that you do not approach or feed him. He may be in a feral state. Instead, call campus security and report his last known location.

 

This article is part of our humour section.

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