By Melanie Woods, September 24, 2015 —
The Students’ Union and university administration finally settled their ongoing feud regarding ownership of MacHall. To avoid future disputes, both parties agreed to completely demolish the building and replace it with a very large, very dark hole.
The two sides came to the agreement last Monday during a secret meeting held in the basement of the Administration building.
“After years of negotiation, the University has tried every solution to iron out a deal regarding the lease agreement,” provost Dru Marshall said in a statement after repeatedly denying interview requests. “Rap battles, Settlers of Catan tournaments, coin-flips — nothing would budge the negotiations. This was the final straw.”
SU president Levi Nilson and several members of upper university administration agreed to meet in the dimly-lit hallway and settle things once and for all.
“We’ve had enough of meetings in fancy boardrooms,” Nilson said. “We needed to take this to the streets and get something done.”
During the meeting, Marshall’s personal goons and the entire Students’ Legislative Council rhythmically snapped their fingers and said “ooooohhh” repeatedly behind their respective sides. Late into the evening, the decision to demolish MacHall and replace it with a very large, very dark hole was finally agreed upon.
“This is the most efficient solution,” Marshall said. “After years of deliberation, both the University and the Students’ Union agree that complete destruction of the facility is better than arguing any more about it. Frankly, we’re all getting pretty old here.”
With MacHall’s destruction, the space it previously occupied will now be known as MacHole. The very large, very dark hole will be incredibly deep and very scary.
Nilson said a large hole is the perfect representation of the negotiation process in recent years.
“It’s been grim,” he sighed. “Really fucking grim.”
The very large, very dark hole will exist as neutral ground. Neither the SU or university administration will hold any jurisdiction over it.
“Students will make of the hole what they want to make of it,” the statement read. “It’s up to them to decide what the very large, very dark hole means to them and how they can best use it.”
Student services previously located in the building will be moved to various locations across campus. The Wellness Centre will now be housed in the basement of Engineering F, voted as the most accessible place on campus. Campus radio station CJSW will begin broadcasting from the southeast corner of the sixth floor of TFDL.
“It’s a silent floor, so we have to be a little quieter than usual,” CJSW station manager Myke Atkinson said in a hushed whisper. “But, it’s the only place with good reception, so we’ll make do. Radio doesn’t require loud sound, right?”
Experts are also predicting an exponential increase in queue levels at the Murray Fraser Hall Tim Hortons with the loss of the three side-by-side MacHall locations.
Nilson said it’s unfortunate that an agreement to leave MacHall intact could not be reached, but the hole will ultimately benefit to students.
“I really think students are going to take full advantage of the whole hole,” Nilson said. “It has lots of dark, desolate space where you can hide from the crippling existential angst of the post-secondary experience.”
In a formal statement to all students, President Elizabeth Cannon hopes the presence of the hole will allow students to further “lift up thine eyes,” as they will be at the bottom of a very deep and very dark hole.
Both sides warn that the destruction of MacHall won’t happen overnight.
“Students can expect to see large fences surrounding the building with signs of construction, but very little visible progress for years,” administration warned. “Students should not worry, as this is typical of university construction protocol.”