By Derek Baker, October 26 2017 —
Renowned pollsters at Mainstreet Research have predicted the sun will not rise tomorrow. This conclusion was drawn from the results of a lengthy phone survey of celestial objects in the sky.
The apocalyptic prediction follows a recent poll by the same firm that put mayoral candidate Bill Smith 17 points ahead of winner Naheed Nenshi — a mere 24 points off the mark.
“We’re sure about this one, though,” Mainstreet Research president Quinto Maggi said. “It’s going to take a miracle for the sun to rise tomorrow.”
The research methods leading to this alarming prediction have come under scrutiny from experts in the field. Kristopher Komet, a University of Calgary astronomy professor, criticized the prediction.
“I have quite a few concerns with their research methods, so I would suggest viewing these results cautiously,” Komet said.
Still, Mainstreet remains confident in its findings.
“When the sun does not come out tomorrow and it is clear that our detractors were wrong, it’ll be payback time,” Mainstreet executive vice-president David Valentin said. “After all, our polls are always right, 19 times out of 20.”
Maggi is also standing by his firm’s poll.
“Our results will be fully validated and vindicated when you wake up tomorrow and it’s still dark out,” Maggi said.
It has been alleged that Mainstreet Research may be in collusion with multiple doomsday bunker companies — allegations that the company fiercely denies. Even so, bunker sales have significantly increased since the poll was released.
“I’ve never even thought about buying an Armageddon-proof bunker, but then I read that the sun is about to explode and thought, ‘Man, I need to get me one of those,’ ” said Terry Truman, a 65-year-old community member and avid newspaper reader.
Whether or not the prediction holds true, it is still recommended that students complete your assignments and study for your midterms. The university has said a doomed, sunless world is not sufficient grounds for excusal.
Update: It is now tomorrow and the sun is shining.
“Looks like we fucked this one up, too,” Maggi said.
This article is part of our humour section.