New course pack literally costs firstborn child

By Melanie Bethune, September 18 2014 —

Students registered in Statistics 361 this semester received a shocking blow to their futures when they discovered exactly how much the required course materials cost.

The required course pack, comprised of a single CD in a plain white sleeve, will literally cost students their firstborn child.

“Students complain so much about rising textbook costs,” said a representative from the bookstore. “So we decided to switch to less monetary terms of payment while still staying competitive in the market. Of course, there still is a processing fee of $37, in addition to legal transfer of any future children, but that is cheaper than any major textbook you’ll find. Really, students should be thanking us for saving them a fair amount of money.”

To pay for the course pack, the bookstore is administering legally binding contracts that promise university administration official custody of students’ firstborn children. The university will take custody exactly two weeks following the child’s birth. In the case of twins or multiples, all children will be surrendered to administration. Should students violate the contract and attempt to flee administration with their offspring, the university has the right to mercilessly hunt them down and deal with them outside the reach of the Canadian courts.

“This is legally binding,” said the bookstore representative. “Just accept that this is what we’ve decreed and move on with your life. Just like you can get a second job to pay for textbooks, you can always have a second child.”

Students have adopted a sense of resigned surrender concerning the course pack.

“There’s not much I can do,” said fourth-year student Gavin Newson. “I’ve tried everything and it looks like I’m just going to have to give in and buy the course pack. This might be a deal-breaker with my girlfriend though. We’ve been together seven years now and have talked about future children, but I really, really need to pass stats.”

The professor responsible for the course, Maria Martinez, claims that the CD is worth what students are paying.

“The course package is essential to the course,” Martinez said. “It contains three questions that will comprise the midterm. Without the CD, students would not even have the exam and thus would fail the course, which happens to be a degree requirement. So really, you’re sacrificing your firstborn for the opportunity to pass my class — ­justifiable payment if you ask me.”

The CDs expire following one use, and are unable to be opened on multiple devices, pirated, resold, reused, considered, shared, transferred, imagined, translated to morse-code, copied, memorized, sold on Amazon, written down, thought about, viewed by more than one person at a time or obtained in any way other than buying new from the bookstore.

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