Photo courtesy Robynne Blume

New Instagram update offers mercy killing program for online stalkers

By Frankie Hart, September 8 2018 —

The latest update to Instagram introduces a new feature —  it now allows for users to execute themselves. The primary use for this feature is to escape embarrassment from accidentally ‘liking’ other users’ old photos. The feature is also available for those who have unsuccessfully tried to ‘slide into DMs.’

According to Marie Morder, director of Instagram’s new executions department, the social media company noticed demand for this type of feature through various meme pages referencing such such instances occurring on the app.

“We would see these videos, such as one of Kermit the Frog falling from a roof captioned ‘when u accidentally like ur crushes photo from six years ago’ and realized that we really have something here,” Morder said.

The method of execution was heavily debated until the company settled on hassle-free lethal injection. One tested program that was eventually terminated was an alternative version of Uber — Unter — in which the user could order a trained sniper to their location. The program was short-lived as there wasn’t a reliable way for clients to rate their snipers after death.

“We also went through testing for the app to trigger an explosion in the phone to kill the user, but it was too buggy and at times went off unprompted. Lethal injection was the most humane option,” Morder said.

Using the new update, users can activate ‘Execution Mode’ and will be given directions to the nearest Instagram Execution Centre™ to be administered their injection. Contents of the injections are vegan and cruelty-free.

An Instagram user who asked to remain anonymous stated, “I’m very excited for this new feature. Had it come out even just a year ago, I probably would have used it at least four times. It’s hard trying to be stealthy when you have twitchy fingers.”

The anonymous user claimed they will probably be using this feature very soon, as they had accidentally ‘liked’ an old photo of their ex’s new partner just hours ago.

Depending on the outcome of the update, Instagram will look into expanding the execution feature to allow users to execute the user whose photos they liked.

“We like to think of it as ‘blocking’ — but in real life,” explained Morder. “Imagine all the awkward encounters you’ll never have to deal with after this is introduced.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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