By Evan Lewis, November 23 2017 —
With eggnog popping up on store shelves, it’s no surprise that a rise in eggnog-related incidents is already sweeping the nation.
In a shocking public outburst, lifelong friends Natalie Winger and Lydia Bukhari announced the immediate termination of their friendship over a disagreement on the quality of the controversial beverage.
The announcement took place at the MacHall food court. Students eating lunch were abruptly interrupted as Bukhari and Winger — who have reportedly been friends since elementary school — stood on opposing tables and began hollering their well-developed arguments about the festive beverage at each other.
Winger was the first to deliver her thoughts.
“Eggnog is literally the best thing ever,” she said. “Do you just hate happiness and joy?”
Bukhari’s response was equally evocative and poignant.
“It’s not my fault your favourite thing in the whole world smells like permanent marker! It’s got a weird texture, too. How can you drink so much of it?” Bukhari exclaimed.
The argument went back and forth for several minutes, with each student repeating their position several times as they realized there aren’t that many different ways to state one’s opinion on eggnog.
Bukhari concluded with the powerful and convincing words, “Well, if you love eggnog so much why don’t you marry it, stupid?”
Winger responded, “Maybe I will, dumb butt!”
Following the conclusion of the intense debate, the two friends sat with their backs turned to one another at their respective tables until Winger threw a ball of paper at the back of Bukhari’s head. When uncrumpled, the paper read, “Friendship OVER.”
Much of the cafeteria had gone back to eating their lunch by this time.
“I’m honestly pretty impressed that it wasn’t worse,” commented an observer. “I’ve seen debates over eggnog devolve into fist fights. Once, a guy I knew chugged a two-litre carton of ‘nog, and then just shouted, ‘It’s good, see?’ over and over for about 10 minutes. It does things to people’s minds, man.”
A recent study of North American consumers revealed that the population is evenly divided between the two opinions. In fact, opinion is literally divided in half.
“It’s the most divisive and extensive study we’ve ever had,” said Starbucks barista Yvonne LeBlanc. “No matter how many people we asked, as soon as we confirmed that a subject was on one side, a different person would stand and up and disagree.”
LeBlanc then proceeded to show reporters a chart that was really just a circle with a line drawn through the middle, with one half labelled “Eggnog is blessed” and the other “Very not-good.”
If you or anyone you know has been affected by eggnog-related trauma, the Government of Alberta has established a hotline at 1-888-EGG–NOGG.
This article is part of our humour section.