Illustration by Tricia Lim

Our horoscopes predict how you will kick off Kickoff

By Derek Baker, September 7 2018 —

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will try your darndest to start the wave in the stands. Despite your best efforts, the only ones who will stand up when it’s their turn are your two sort-of-but-not-really acquaintances you met during Orientation Days.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Trying to smuggle a flask of alcohol into McMahon Stadium, you will be promptly taken to the emergency room after it gets firmly stuck inside your rectum.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’re stuck in an evening lecture tonight and will have to miss Kickoff. Despite your professor emailing beforehand that the class would be spent only going over the syllabus, he will get too engaged in telling the class a story about their urban apiary project over the summer.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will streak onto the field after the Dinos score a touchdown. No one wanted to see that. Stop.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Hungry for a quick snack during the game, you’ll order some nachos at the concession stand with nuclear-orange cheese sauce. Wait, the cheese sauce really is radioactive? How did this make it past the Canada Food Inspection Agency?

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

If you are given the choice between sitting close to the field or in the nosebleeds, definitely choose the latter. If not, a stray football will be thrown directly towards your face.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll have a little too much fun in the inflatable bouncy castles during the pre-game tailgate party, ending up with a broken wrist and punctured pancreas.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

During the tailgate party, you’ll manage to cut the food line after finding a distant relative who also goes to U of C in the queue. They’ll graciously let you in, even though you’ve forgotten to send them any birthday wishes for the past six years.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ll have a dope time at the game, bro. Look at all these football players playing football. What’s better than that — guys being dudes.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll somehow have the attention span to make it through the entire four quarters of the game and not leave early. With that amount of dedication, you might actually make it through your degree on time too.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Your awkward, clumsy self will spill your drink in the stands and oh no it’s dripping down to the people sitting in front of you and the people are trying to get by are stepping in it and you run to the bathroom to find some napkins to wipe it up and come back and awkwardly bend down to try to sop it up but there’s not enough napkins and oh god you’re SO AWKWARD WHY CAN’T YOU JUST NOT SPILL YOUR POP LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Getting into the Dinos spirit, you’ll paint your entire body red. Unfortunately, the body paint won’t scrub off in time for the start of classes next week.

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