By Derek Baker, April 26 2018 —
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be that idiot who doesn’t clean up their campsite, attracting a crowd of bears with the food you left around. They will eat all of your graham crackers, your tent and even your car. Better learn to be more bear aware!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
While floating down the Bow River one afternoon, you will be pulled down a mysterious side stream and transported to a part of the city where the fish glow neon green.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A marshmallow skewer will get stuck up your ass after an unfortunate campfire mishap. Do not try to remove it yourself.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You’ll go on a road trip to the pleasant town of Balzac. Don’t making the obvious joke on the way there — your friends are already annoyed at you.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
It will be so hot one day that you will get heatstroke. Unfortunately, this will happen during a first date. Your date is kind enough to drive you to the emergency room, where you will continue your date as a nurse puts you on a saline drip.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
For the third summer in a row, you find yourself unemployed. You only applied to one place, but this is definitely the current state of the economy’s fault.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will fly a kite on Nose Hill one afternoon. It will be so windy that you will be blown away, ending up in Saskatchewan.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You’ll go to 7-Eleven and concoct the perfect slurpee recipe. The 7-Eleven will name the combination after you. You are now the slurpee king.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Stuck in summer classes, you will try your best to convince your professor to hold class outside. Your simple pestering will escalate to pulling the fire alarm, for which you will promptly be written up for non-academic misconduct.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll find yourself stumbling around 17th Ave. drunk after a lit patio sesh one day in May. You’re convinced that it’s the Red Mile and that the Flames just won the Stanley Cup.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your “super-cool” summer job will turn out to be the lamest thing ever, as you are stuck photocopying all day long. Anything for that resumé.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Finally having time to socialize with your family, you’ll immediately regret this after they spend five hours roasting you for your life choices.