By Frankie Hart, July 6 2018 —
(June 21 – July 22)
You will get a little too caught up in the Stampede spirit and get knocked out after moshing to the Stampede Showband.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Vowing revenge after getting kicked out of Stampede, you decide to host your own outdoor show. Your colossal failure becomes the big meme of 2018.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will go to the Dog Bowl and cry. This is not just because of the good, good boys, but also because you are haunted by the SuperDog theme song. It’s just not the same.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
After deciding to follow your dreams and perform at the Talent Search, the judges absolutely rip you to shreds. I mean, they really tear you a new one. You can never show your face in this town again.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will check out this year’s funky midway food selection and pick yourself out a nice cricket grilled cheese. Wow, it’s just grilled cheese but crunchy. That’s because there are insects in it. What did you think it would be, you dum dum? Are you proud of yourself?
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Stampede’s about that agri-culture. Unfortunately, your connection to nature takes a strange turn when you have a sexual awakening during the cow milking.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
A bite of the only midway food that matters — the pineapple whip — reduces you to tears. Everything’s gonna be alright.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
A fun day at the midway will make you feel closer to your friend than ever. You will disclose a deep-seated fear of yours in the most intimate environment available — while being tossed by the Zipper like a fresh salad.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Let’s jump to the point — you’re going to ride the slingshot but get shot sky-high after a mechanical catastrophe. Uh-oh!
(March 21 – April 19)
This is more of a warning than a prediction: just because there’s a free stampede breakfast every day does not mean you should go to all of them.
(April 20 – May 20)
You will go to the Stampede Market and somehow walk out with five mops. You’ve never felt so clean!
(May 21 – June 20)
As you have to work during Stampede, you will hate everything about this pseudo-country nightmare. Transit is so sweaty and you just want to sleep.