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Photo by Mariah Wilson

PC party proposes policy to ensure parents receive alerts anytime their child engages in “like-liking” someone

By Melanie Woods, April 27 2017 —

Last month, Alberta Progressive Conservative Party leader Jason Kenney came under fire for saying that parents should be informed if their child joins a Gay-Straight Alliance at school, with many critics arguing that such a policy could put young LGBTQ lives at risk.

This week, the PCs doubled down on Kenney’s statement, claiming that parents should be informed of their children engaging in the practices of “like-liking, canoodling with, giving eyes to or having lustful feelings about” someone, no matter their gender.

“The media has it all wrong — it’s not just about kids being gay,” PC executive director of policy Ron Hulman said. “Parents deserve to know if their kids are engaging in any sort of remotely sensual activity. And as a provincial political party chocked full of 50-year-old straight white men, we feel we are the best authority to definite what that means.”

Hulman said the PCs are currently drafting a policy that would make it mandatory for schools to report any incident of perceived desire for intimacy to parents.

“We’re talking hand-holding, face-nearing, butt-glancing, SnapChat flirting — anything,” Hulman said. “If a student so much as draws a heart around their name and someone else’s, I think it’s fully within the rights of parents to know.”

Hulman proposed a text message alert system similar to those used by the government for natural disasters or amber alerts.  

“This is a life-or-death situation,” Hulman said. “If little Timmy wants to hold hands with little Suzie on the bus, I think both of their parents should be immediately alerted through whatever means possible.”

Hulman said schools should also instal surveillance cameras at prime “hook-up spots” at middle and high schools.

“That way if some punk kids want to go make-out in a corner, we can send the footage straight to their parents,” Hulman said. “Parents have every right to see their children getting hot and heavy.”

Lisa Sampson’s son Chad Sampson is currently enrolled in Grade 10 at Sir Winston Churchill High School. She said she wants nothing to do with Chad’s sexual exploits.

“I don’t really want to see my son shoving his tongue down the throat of anyone, to be honest,” Sampson said. “I have more important things to worry about. We had the talk, he knows how a condom works — I’ve done my duty.”

Hulman reiterated that liking someone is a deeply personal experience for kids and parents should be involved.

“Frankly, I wish my parents knew when I had crushes in high school,” he said. “Maybe then Sandy Miller wouldn’t have turned me down when I asked her to prom.”

 

This article is part of our humour section.

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