HUMOUR_StarbucksXmasCup_MariahWilson-5994
Photo by Mariah Wilson

Premature Christmas celebrations cause kerfuffle

By Devin Aggarwal, November 23 2017 —

The annual war on Christmas reached new levels of severity this week, as members of the Union against early Christmas Plans (UCP) retaliated against the Nativity Decorators Protectorate (NDP) for their continued promotion of the practice of putting up Christmas decorations before Dec. 1. The retaliation took the form of a large demonstration outside of the festively decorated Chinook Centre. The situation quickly turned ugly as protesters broke into the barricaded mall.

NDP members held the UCP at bay by throwing ornaments and laying traps made of ribbon. However, they were unable to stop the anti-festivity mob, who broke into the mall and headed straight for the Santa’s Workshop display.

“I actually love Christmas,” one UCP member, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed. “I just hate those who feel the need to shove it in my face for a month and a half, starting on Nov. 12.”

Many stubborn NDP supporters set up more barricades around the display, made of Christmas-present props and candy cane decorations, hoping to stop the flow of UCP members. They were quickly dismantled, however, by the haggle of disgruntled scrooges.

“All we want to do is to bring the Christmas spirit to everyone,” NDP leader Rachel Kelley said. “And everybody should embrace it, whether they celebrate Christmas or not.”

As a last resort, the NDP began throwing Starbucks holiday cups at the impending UCP mob to keep them at bay.

“These holiday cups don’t even mention Christmas!” a UCP member said while physically recoiling from being hit with the inclusive cup. “The NDP have gone too far in promoting this politically-correct garbage.”

At an emergency meeting following the attack, the NDP resolved to double down on their core message and begin a campaign to have all radio stations in Calgary play an hour of Christmas music every day. The campaign is reportedly costing the protectorate up to $30,000 a day and is being partly funded by big-box companies hoping to promote sales for the Christmas season.

“It’s an extravagant waste of money,” claimed UCP leader Jason Loyola. “All that this serves to do is to drive up costs for consumers, while providing no real benefit to society as a whole.”

Conflict between the two factions is expected to continue until mid-December, where everyone will then become too stressed out about the realities of Christmas to care anymore.

This article is part of our humour section.

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