Photo by Mariah Wilson

Quiz // Are you related to Ted Cruz: Zodiac Killer?

By Jesse Stilwell, November 29 2017 —

Everyone remembers 2016 Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. How could you not? The Calgary native is an international man of mystery. It’s recently come to light that one of the Gauntlet editors may be distantly related to the man also known as the zodiac killer. Are you connected to him as well? Take this quiz and stay woke, University of Calgary.

Were you born in Calgary?

No. You swear you’re from Texas
Yes, but you’re also of Cuban descent
Yes, but screw it — you’re gonna run for president of the United States anyway
What’s a Calgary?

Do you like bacon?

No. My life is full of sorrow
Yes, it’s a great breakfast treat
I fry it on my automatic rifles in the Texas heat
No. I hate breakfast, but I love butter

Do you have ambiguous facial features?

Yes. I am the physical embodiment of a dad
Yes. You can never tell if I’m smiling or frowning
Yes. All of my suits look the same
Yes. I get my haircuts at Supercuts and look like every other person who get their hair cut at Supercuts

Do you want to be a lawyer?

Yes, then I will run for president of the United States
I am taking Hotel Law at Trump University
Yes, like every U of C student, for some reason
Yes. I need an air-tight defence because I’m related to the Zodiac Killer

What is your zodiac sign?

Scorpio, because I have a lot of secrets
It’s killer
Gemini, because I have a dual identity

Do you believe Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer?

No, but I also think Donald Trump has some good ideas
Yes. He looks exactly like the composite sketch
Yes. I also believed #pizzagate was a thing
Yes. Wake up sheeple!

Ted Cruz Zodiac Killer

You Got:


This article is part of our humour section.


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