Photo by Mariah Wilson

Quiz // Are you related to Ted Cruz: Zodiac Killer?

By Jesse Stilwell, November 29 2017 —

Everyone remembers 2016 Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. How could you not? The Calgary native is an international man of mystery. It’s recently come to light that one of the Gauntlet editors may be distantly related to the man also known as the zodiac killer. Are you connected to him as well? Take this quiz and stay woke, University of Calgary.

Were you born in Calgary?

No. You swear you’re from Texas
Yes, but screw it — you’re gonna run for president of the United States anyway
Yes, but you’re also of Cuban descent
What’s a Calgary?

Do you like bacon?

No. My life is full of sorrow
I fry it on my automatic rifles in the Texas heat
Yes, it’s a great breakfast treat
No. I hate breakfast, but I love butter

Do you have ambiguous facial features?

Yes. I am the physical embodiment of a dad
Yes. All of my suits look the same
Yes. I get my haircuts at Supercuts and look like every other person who get their hair cut at Supercuts
Yes. You can never tell if I’m smiling or frowning

Do you want to be a lawyer?

Yes. I need an air-tight defence because I’m related to the Zodiac Killer
Yes, then I will run for president of the United States
Yes, like every U of C student, for some reason
I am taking Hotel Law at Trump University

What is your zodiac sign?

It’s killer
Gemini, because I have a dual identity
Scorpio, because I have a lot of secrets

Do you believe Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer?

No, but I also think Donald Trump has some good ideas
Yes. I also believed #pizzagate was a thing
Yes. He looks exactly like the composite sketch
Yes. Wake up sheeple!

Ted Cruz Zodiac Killer

You Got:


This article is part of our humour section.


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