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Justin Quaintance

Roll-Up-The-Rim loser accuses Tim Hortons of promoting “fake news”

By Melanie Woods, February 7 2017 —

A third-year University of Calgary student is taking Tim Hortons to court, claiming the chain promotes “fake news” through its Roll-Up-The-Rim promotion.

Third-year chemistry student Kevin Branson purchased a large double-double from the Tim Hortons Express in MacHall expecting to win something but instead received the “Please Play Again/Reessayez SVP®” message.

“It was my sixth coffee without a win and very real statistics say that I’m entitled to a win after that,” Branson said. “The facts don’t lie. But when I rolled up the rim, the crooked cup was lying.”

Branson’s suit claims his cup was actually a “huge win” and Tim Hortons is promoting fake news.

“Imagine me not being a Roll-Up-The-Rim winner. Imagine it!” Branson said. “I’m a huge winner, huge. I’ve won 1.5 million times, the most wins ever. This is preposterous. I can’t believe such a noble national brand like Tim Hortons has stooped to this lying. Sad. Very sad!”

Branson said alternative facts prove he did, in fact, win with the cup in question.

“If you think about it, I actually won. Because if you rearrange the letters of ‘please play again’ and take out a few and add a few others, it says ‘you win a donut.’ So I’m legally entitled to a honey cruller,” Branson said. “Also, if you think about it, playing again is a chance to win again and I’m a winner so I’m going to win again when I play again. The point is, I won, they’re wrong and they’re going to regret it.”

Fourth-year economics student Heather Campbell was behind Branson in line. The extra-large earl grey tea she purchased won free potato wedges.

“I was really excited to win those potato wedges,” she said. “But then the guy in front of me saw that I’d won and started yelling about how I was wrong and he had actually won. He took my winning wedge rim and said he was going to win the potato wedges even better than I did.”

Alberta Court of Queen’s Bench Justice Margaret MacArthur said the court will likely drop Branson’s suit for being “fucking insane,” but warned that this is a negative sign of things to come for Canada’s beloved coffee chain.

“One of the hallmarks of Canada is a free and open Tim Hortons,” MacArthur said. “Allegations like these must be taken very seriously if we want to uphold the sanctity of one of our country’s most important institutions.”

Branson said in case the courts dropped the suit, he also applied to work as a cashier at the MacHall Tim Hortons with the hope to “make Tim Hortons great again.”

“I’m bringing ‘Canadian Values™’ back to Tim Hortons,” Branson said. “Everyone is going to win again. Every cup is a winner. We’ll make Starbucks pay for all the winning cups we’re going to have. The MacHall Tim Hortons is going to be the winning-est Tim Hortons in Canada.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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