Illustration by Tricia Lim

Stick these weed-o-scopes in your pipe and smoke ‘em!

By Riley Martens, October 23 2018 —

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Oh Scorpio, oh Scorpio! How unabashed is thou. You reap what you sow. And because of Trudeau, your face is aglow and through grass, you mow.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You are the archer. You aim high. But you get higher.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You are a long-term planner. The kind of person with an actual schedule and something called ‘priorities.’ Some might say you are too uptight because of this. Those people just haven’t seen you at the right times. Like at 4:20.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You have the capacity to awaken your inner being and to dream of a better world, where nature and man live in peace. A green utopia where there are no line ups, shortages or tax. It will take you over half an hour to share this idea with your friends and they still won’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You have a deep drive to right all the wrongs of this world. To end all war. To represent the oppressed. To feed the hungry. And after legalization, there’s definitely more of the hungry.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

As an Aries, you are a pioneer, a maverick and a trailblazer. This week especially, you’re blazing all the trails. You will be the first in your friend group to buy weed. I mean you already had some, but this time it’s legal.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

As a Taurus, you are the go-getter. You’re the safe and secure provider — probably because you are the only one with a job. You will be providing more than usual this week. Pass the blunt.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Am I seeing double? You have the power to get two birds stoned at once. Be sure to use it wisely.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Your friends and family will all get sick this week. Thankfully you are well versed in medical knowledge because you read half a Wikipedia page. CBD is the cure all.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You are the queen of the zodiac signs. Your aspirations can only be royal. Your standards are high. Your grades are higher. And you are the highest, socially speaking.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You have an urge to do work — the artistic kind. With the floodgates of inspiration now open you can pursue your passions of handless basket weaving and folk song writing. You’ll put special emphasis on the pot-tery.

Libra

(Sept. 23 –Oct. 22)

You represent the scales. The scales of the universe. It’s like a metaphor for balance or something. Maybe harmony? You will seek to resolve conflict and encourage teamwork. Those joint decisions are now a little more lit-eral.

Comments


Tagged: ,


Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer