Academic Probation

Let's talk pinecones! with Dr. Derek "Pinecone" Hillman

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Dr. Derek Hillman is a University of Calgary registered botanist specializing in coniferous reproduction. Each week Hillman responds to questions and concerns about pinecones and pinecone issues sent via e-mail from teenagers mocking him.

Dear Dr. Idiot,

Why don't you just kill yourself now? No one cares about pinecones at all. Not even trees care about pinecones, that's why they all fall off. I am sure no one would care if you disappeared tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Pinecones R. Stupid

Dear PRS,

You little shit! I am sick of you pieces of trash e-mailing me every week! Stop it! I swear to God that if I ever find out who this is I will break every ignorant little bone in your body you arrogant filth!

Yours truly,

Dr. Derek "Pinecone" Hillman

Dear Dr. Loser,

I never knew that a man could self-destruct upwards. Somehow you have garnered a PhD in the most useless subject possible. What school could have conceivably granted you permission to complete a dissertation on "coniferous reproduction?" The University of Imagination? I suspect you would be a greater benefit to the human race if you started flipping burgers. Be happy alone forever.

Have a great day,

I Hate Pinecones

Dear IHP,

You stuck up, conceited little fuck! I've done more with my life then you could possibly imagine! Do you know who I am? The things I've seen and accomplished you could never hope to even comprehend! Why don't you keep living in your parent's basement because you only wish you could have what I have. I have a great job, a great rent on my bachelor apartment, a fabulous bus ride to work at the pinecone lab every morning. I have a great life! And for your information I'm not alone! I have a beautiful wife named Sherry! You are the one who will be alone forever!

Yours truly,

Dr. Derek "Pinecone" Hillman

Dear Dr. Hillman,

I recently moved into a new home which has a White Pine. This spring I noticed its pine cones were dark black and falling off too quickly to mature. Should I be concerned about the health of the tree?

Thanks so much,

Brian Johnson

Dear Brian,

Oh my god. Is this real? Is this a real question?! Thank you so much Brian! Well, what you are probably experiencing is the tree going through a particularly dry winter and it's trying to preserve its own health by limiting the amount of resources it spends on reproduction. It probably won't develop any healthy pinecones this year, but make sure to give it plenty of water to ensure it survives. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart Brian, I had almost given up hope for myself.

Yours truly,

Dr. Derek "Pinecone" Hillman

Dear Dr. Hillman,

Apologies sir, in my last letter I'm afraid I had carelessly included a typo. The colour of the pinecones was actually a very deep brownish orange, not black and also you are a stupid loser who is in love with pinecones and probably wants to marry pinecones because no human would ever want to touch you.

Have a great day,

Brian Johnson

Dear Brian,

Your first mistake was messing with me!!! Your second was including your real name!!! I am going to track you down and butcher you! I promise you are going to beg for death after what I do to you! I'm going to keep you alive for days, and keep you conscious as I slowly cut off pieces of you. I'm going to save your eyes for last so you can see every single monstrous, inhuman thing I do. You are dead, you hear me!?!? DEAD!!!

Yours truly,

Dr. Derek "Pinecone" Hillman

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