The Gauntlet tier one elections are over and none of you ungrateful students care. I mean... we thank you for your continued readership.
Once the thick clouds of black-tar heroin smoke cleared (in a bizarre take-off of the papacy selection) on March 14, Michael Leung was crowned victorious as Gauntlet Editor-in-Chief and Ruth Davenport was pronounced News Editor.
Rumours that Leung pursued EIC to avoid a backslide into a life of pharmacy-break-ins and car stereo theft could not be confirmed at press time.
"Bullshit," belched an obviously drunk Leung as he stuffed a honey-glazed ham into his slavering gullet.
Davenport offered no apologies for a campaign that included free steak, juggling clowns and aggressive television advertising
EIC hopefuls Nicole Kobie and Kris Kotarski paused long enough from a LSD-addled game of twister to offer thoughts on the election.
"I like to boogie," said a sweat-soaked Kobie as she suddenly began to dance frantically--in an outfit made entirely out of pleather. "SAAN has the best pleather products," she added extremely aggressively.
Kotarski was melancholy. "Child labour gets a bad reputation and globalization leads to relaxed environmental standards, which are great for the GNP," he beamed. "Capital punishment is fantastic and children need a good whippin' twice a week." He then passed out and--nearly instantly--wet his pants.
"My boyfriend doesn't have a thyroid," lamented News Editor hopeful Natalie Sit. "Science is a sham," she added in a completely unrelated quote. Or is it an unrelated quote? Find out two weeks from now when we run another story you, our faithful readers, could give two shits about.